Meditating on Some Actual Facts

As the discussion continues to swirl around recent remarks by popular author and "spiritual guru" Marianne Williamson decrying depression screening and medication during and after pregnancy and claiming that PPMD is normal (news flash: it's not normal), I've realized that there appear to be some misconceptions contributing to Ms. Williamson and her supporters' commentary. I thought I'd take a moment to address some of the comments I keep hearing that are inaccurate.

1. Across-the-board screening doesn't mean across-the-board medication. Screening is intended to help identify women who are struggling and/or at risk for prenatal or postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, such as Postpartum Depression. That's it. If you go to an appointment, are screened, and your doctor says "I'm worried, let's talk", that isn't synonymous with "Here's a prescription for medication."

2. No, the screening is not a blood test. That's because there is no blood test for prenatal and postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. Blood tests can't read your mind and tell that you're having Intrusive Thoughts. Blood tests can't detect suicidal ideations. Blood tests can't tell that you're hearing voices in your head. Blood tests can't pick up on the fact that you're spending half the day crying for no reason, not sleeping, sleeping too much, have no interest in sex, or most of the other symptoms. Is screening perfect? No. But neither are blood tests. Is increased screening a vast improvement? YES!

3. Prenatal and Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders are not the same thing as the normal hormonal changes that occur during and after pregnancy. PPMD go far beyond that. The normal hormonal changes that occur should clear up within the first few weeks postpartum, and should not leave you unable to function. These normal changes should not include Intrusive Thoughts, thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, hearing voices, etc. For more on the symptoms of PPMD, check out Postpartum Progress' lists of Symptoms of Postpartum Depression and Anxiety (in Plain Mama English) and Postpartum Psychosis Symptoms (in Plain Mama English) .

4. There is no one guaranteed or right way to prevent or treat PPMD. Not all women will respond the same way to the same treatment, not all women need the same treatment, and even the same woman may need or respond differently to different treatments at different times. I myself have experience in the fact that different pregnancies meant different situations needing different responses. After one pregnancy, I needed medication. After a different pregnancy, I needed to switch the birth control I was using. A different pregnancy lead to me needing therapy but no medication starting or stopping. The point is not to try to get all women to use medication. The point is to make all methods of treatment available for everyone, with no shame or stigma.

5. There is no conflict of interest for the task force that has recommended increased screening for pregnant and postpartum women. The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force has a page specifically for the disclosure of Conflicts of Interest and it can be viewed here. Here's the screenshot.

The idea that the recommendations for increased depression screenings of pregnant and postpartum women is designed to pad the pockets of "Big Pharma" is a manufactured conspiracy theory that is inaccurate and dangerous.

Increased screening is a good thing. Increased screening means more women getting the help they need at a very vulnerable time. Increased screening means fewer lives lost. Increased screening means healthier and happier moms, babies, and families. If increased screening means more women taking medication, cool. Medication SAVES LIVES. Too many women currently suffer in silence. PPMD go underreported, too often going undiagnosed and misdiagnosed. The way to fix this is through more conversations (ones that are NOT ignorant and based in fallacies), through more education and awareness, through a decrease in stigma and shame. That is what I and my fellow Warrior Moms have been working towards, and we will not sit quietly and see it undone by people who are uneducated and ignorant about the truth, as we have already shown through our success with #MeditateOnThis.

When it comes to PPMD, facts trump conspiracy theories. Meditate on that, Marianne & Co.

Postpartum Depression Is Not Normal

Content/Trigger Warning: This post contains discussion of suicide and symptoms of Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders, including intrusive thoughts. If you are feeling vulnerable, you may want to exit this post and read it some other time. You are loved.

"CODE ALERT: U.S. Preventative Services Task Force says women should be 'screened for depression' during and after pregnancy. Their answer, of course, is to 'find the right medication.' And how many on the task force are on big pharma's payroll? Follow the money on this one. Hormonal changes during and after pregnancy are NORMAL. Mood changes are NORMAL. Meditation helps. Prayer helps. Nutritional support helps. Love helps." 

-Marianne Williamson

Dear Marianne,
Last night (Wednesday 1/27/2016), I read your post opposing screening for Postpartum Depression. And you know what? It hurt my heart. As I read your words, I thought back to my own experiences after giving birth, and thought of the many stories I've heard from other women who struggled, and there are many of us out there. We have struggled with Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum OCD, Postpartum Psychosis, Postpartum PTSD, Antepartum Depression, and the list goes on. Our stories are many and varied, but one thing remains consistent: what we have been through and continue to go through is not normal. It may be common, but it is not normal.

There is nothing normal about Intrusive Thoughts that make you change your routine out of fear of the terrible thoughts and pictures that spring unbidden into your brain.

There is nothing normal about depression that leaves you unable to function, that leaves you sitting listless in a rocking chair, staring off into space with tears rolling down your cheeks as you rock your baby, wishing the pain inside you would ease for just a few moments.

There is nothing normal about anxiety attacks that cause you to have to pull over on the side of the road while you struggle to breathe, or have you sitting on the stairs at home hugging yourself and rocking back and forth while you hyperventilate.

There is nothing normal about hearing voices tell you that your baby is being possessed by the devil.

There is nothing normal about being traumatized by a birth experience that feels like something out of a nightmare and has you terrified at the idea of giving birth again.

There is nothing normal about finding yourself at the top of the stairs in the middle of the night, considering throwing yourselves down them to try to make the pain stop. There is nothing normal about walking away from those stairs and then thinking "I could just take a bunch of painkillers left over from a loved one's surgery, so I could go to sleep. Everyone would be better off without me and I'd find some relief from this crap."

There is nothing normal about having to go to the Emergency Department in the middle of the night and ending up admitted to the hospital for a week for in-patient psychiatric care while you stabilize from crisis mode. There's nothing normal about not being able to stop crying long enough to answer the nurse's questions.

There's nothing normal about feeling like you're a total and complete failure as a mother, a monster, because of the lies your brain is telling you.

There is nothing normal about Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders. There is nothing normal about the number of women we lose to Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders each year. There's nothing normal about the fact that suicide is one of the highest causes of maternal mortality in developed countries. There's nothing normal about the fact that new cases of Postpartum Depression occur in at least 600,000 women in the United States each year, and that's just the ones we know about. Once you start factoring in unreported/undiagnosed cases, the numbers jump significantly. It is common, but it is not normal.

There is nothing normal about Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Postpartum Depression is not the same thing as the "baby blues", it's not the result of the "normal hormonal changes" that occur after pregnancy. It's not those normal hormonal fluctuations that are seeing calls for increased depression screenings during and after pregnancy. It's not those normal fluctuations that require medication and hospitalization and therapy.

I've experienced the normal baby blues, and I've experienced Postpartum Depression, Postpartum OCD, and Postpartum Anxiety that left me with two hospitalizations. There's a world of difference. Prayer, meditation, reading books, and good nutrition helped with the typical postpartum hormonal adjustments. They did NOT help with my PPMD. You know what did help when I ended up in the hospital after wanting to kill myself?

Medication.

And for that life-saving medication that helped return my life to some semblance of normal, that helped me be able to function, I thank heaven and "Big Pharma".

Please, Marianne, educate yourself before you cause any more harm, before you do any more damage to fragile women who are hurting. And you have already done harm and damage. I know this because I have been told this by women who were hurt and ashamed and scared after reading your words on Facebook and twitter.

And a quick note to all the mamas out there who are experiencing PPMD, you are not alone. What you are going through is not normal, but it is common. You have people who love you. We see you, we know your pain and desperation, and we love you. We are here for you. You have only to reach out to us and we will stand by your side and help you find your way through this. Don't let the stigma and ignorance that exists in the world get you down or keep you from reaching out for help.



For anyone who wants to educate themselves about the realities and truths of Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders, these links are a good start.

Postpartum Progress
Postpartum Support International
My Postpartum Voice
#PPDChat on twitter

Postpartum OCD Powerpoint

This past semester (Fall 2014), one of the (college) classes I took was Women's Health Issues. One of the assignments was to do a research presentation on a women's health issue. This included putting together a slideshow addressing the basics (symptoms, definition, treatment, etc.) which we then had to present to the class. I chose Postpartum OCD. We had a 4-minute time limit, which was REALLY difficult for me to meet, so it ended up being a VERY basic overview. I could have easily talked for the whole class period and just scratched the surface of PPOCD. It's such a complex and under-discussed issue...

Anyways, I thought I'd share my Powerpoint presentation in case it can be of help to anyone. I've got it uploaded to Google Drive so that anyone with the link can view it. Enjoy. :)

Happy 10th Anniversary to Postpartum Progress and Katherine Stone!!!

"If you have knowledge, let others light their candle in it." -Margaret Fuller

5 years ago, I was a brand new mother. I had a whopping almost 3 months of experience as a parent under my belt. I had given birth to a beautiful daughter on April 23, 2009. Life as a new mom was pretty terrible for a little while, courtesy Postpartum Depression, Postpartum OCD, Postpartum Anxiety, and what I suspect was some Postpartum PTSD after a very difficult birth. I ended up being hospitalized twice, taking medication, and seeing a therapist. It was one of the darkest periods of my life.

One day (I can't remember when, exactly), as I dragged myself through the dark tunnel of PPMD, I came across a candle. It burned brightly. It called out to my soul and to my heart. At the time, my own candle was pretty much out, but that candle gave me hope. It helped me find my way out of darkness and isolation, to safety, support, and love. From that flame, I was able to re-light my own candle. That flame was Postpartum Progress.

10 years ago, Katherine Stone started Postpartum Progress. Countless women and families have been helped in many ways. I and my family stand among them. Postpartum Progress made a huge difference to me. It was helpful beyond words to find a site with so much good information written in a way that I could understand, a community of women to help support me, a safe haven to let me know that I wasn't alone and I really was a good mom, a warrior. Postpartum Progress has been a God-send to so many.

Today, I dedicate my blog to celebrating Katherine and Postpartum Progress. 10 years of dedication to awareness, education, and outreach is kind of a Big Freaking Deal. Postpartum Progress has been a game-changer for women with PPMD and today, I'm throwing virtual confetti in honor of an amazing person who had an idea and then put that idea into action.

Katherine, my dear friend, you beautiful wonderful soul, you rock my socks off! And I put socks on specifically to type that, which should tell you exactly how much you mean to me, since I pretty much never wear socks. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do. I am forever grateful to God for leading me to you and to Postpartum Progress. Because of Postpartum Progress, I got the courage to share my story and to reach out to a fantastic community of some of the strongest women I know, who have become friends and sisters of my heart and my spirit. I hope you never go a day without the knowledge that you are loved. As we celebrate the birthday of Postpartum Progress, know that your candle has been a much-needed beacon to help light the way for many who couldn't see on our own. Some day, I will get to meet you in person (and I will squeal and make a fool of myself and probably end up a blubbering mess as I tell you what an honor it is to meet one of my honest-to-goodness heroes who helped save my life, my sanity, my marriage, and my family, who has become a friend). For now, I'll have to stick with sniffling my way through the beautiful stories I've been reading about the other women you've helped. We are many.

Happy Anniversary!!!!!

*eats more ice cream*

To everyone reading this, I'd like to share the words I borrowed from Good Girl Gone Redneck:

If you'd like to help support Katherine's efforts with a donation to Postpartum Progress you can do so very easily online. Postpartum Progress is a non-profit organization and your donation will be tax deductible. Your donation will go towards supporting an organization that supports ALL mamas EVERYWHERE.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing symptoms of postpartum mood disorders, please consider reaching out for help. Postpartum Support International has a toll-free support line you can call 1.800.944.4PPD and a map of local support resources for you.

Looking to talk to mamas like you? #PPDChat is a weekly Twitter chat where you can find discussions related to living your life postpartum.

Looking for hope? A reminder that you WILL get through this? Check out the Warrior Mom Photo Album and see these smiling faces. That will be you - soon.

Breastfeeding and medication

Recently, I was talking to someone on Twitter about breastfeeding on (and after) antidepressants, and it hit me once again how big a role breastfeeding can play in a woman's decision whether or not to seek treatment for PPMD. For me, among other fears (such as my child being taken away from me), I was so far into the whole "Breast is best" mindset that, when the filter of PPMD was added to the mix, the idea of having to stop breastfeeding my baby was horrifying and extremely upsetting. Concern over having to stop nursing is one that I frequently hear/see brought up and it is totally understandable.

I have written a couple of blog posts in the past about why Breast is not always best (part 1 and part 2). That is not going to be my focus for this blog post. In this post, I'm just going to share what my personal experiences have been with breastfeeding and medication.

When I was admitted to the hospital with a diagnosis of Postpartum Depression, my baby was 3 months old and exclusively breastfed. I had held off on getting help but finally realized I was at a crisis point and went to the ER, where I was transferred and admitted to a psychiatric facility. Because I specifically didn't want to have to stop nursing my baby, we tried talk therapy for the first day or two, but I could hardly even open up about how I was feeling and we quickly realized that medication was necessary. They started me on Lexapro (I was soon switched to Celexa, a generic version, for Insurance reasons), Ativan, and Ambien, which are not considered "safe for breastfeeding", so I had to stop nursing. I was extremely upset, but accepted that if I wanted to get better, this was what needed to happen. My baby did fine switching over to formula and the only discomfort was on my end because I stopped nursing/pumping cold turkey (ow, ow, ow). 5 years down the road, my daughter is extremely smart and well-adjusted, and we continued to bond very nicely. Actually, I think we bonded better because I was on medication and was able to connect better (I definitely remember the connection better after starting medication).

That first admission, diagnosis, and start of medication were in July 2009. At the beginning of December 2009, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (my doctors had previously missed it, but that is a whole different story for another time). Pregnancy can cause hypothyroidism, and hypothyroidism can cause mental and emotional health problems. I was promptly started on a low dose of Levothyroxine, a thyroid hormone replacement medication, and started to see my symptoms lessening pretty immediately. My dosage only had to be adjusted once to get my TSH and T4 levels back to within normal limits, and that also kicked the rest of the PPMD symptoms. After 3 months of Levothyroxine, I was able to stop taking the Celexa, Ativan, and Ambien that I had been on since July, and all was well.

I have been on this same dosage of Levothyroxine for 5 1/2 years now and it has never needed adjusting. During my pregnancies, the OB monitors my thyroid levels with bloodwork once a trimester (more often if I start experiencing anything unexplained  that could be symptoms of my thyroid medication needing an adjustment), but so far everything has been fine.

In April 2011, I gave birth to our second baby. Even though we were sure the PPMD had been related to the hypothyroidism, at my midwife's recommendation, I started taking Zoloft at 38 weeks pregnant (read what the Mayo Clinic has to say about antidepressants during pregnancy) as a prophylactic measure, and weaned off of it at about 6 or 7 months postpartum. This was shortly before finding out that, much to my shock and attempts to prevent pregnancy, I had another bun in the oven.

That second baby nursed through Zoloft, Levothyroxine, and the first two trimesters of my third pregnancy. She finally weaned herself at about 13 months. I was about to force her to wean since she had started biting (yay for teething). Let me tell you, I thought getting a tooth to the boob was painful enough under normal circumstances but with pregnancy making the girls extra tender? Yeeeeeeeeah.... "ow" doesn't quite do it justice. But, at that point she was down to usually only nursing in the middle of the night and she weaned herself, so it all worked out happily for both of us.

I started on Zoloft again at about 35 weeks with my third pregnancy. The original plan was to wait until 38 weeks again but I had some symptoms of depression and anxiety that were due to situations that were going on totally unrelated to pregnancy and we thought it best to start the Zoloft a little early. Baby #3 was born in September 2012. I was able to come off the Zoloft at about 3 or 4 months postpartum that time, again with no issues. The only issues I had were when I started using the Nuva Ring and got super tired (plus some intrusive thoughts) but that all went away when I discontinued the Ring. Baby #3 was EBF until I started school fulltime when he was ~4.5 months old. At that point, I got a good double electric breast pump and started pumping so that he got exclusively breastmilk at daycare and EBF when he was with me. With my school schedule and everything else going on in life, the pumping got to be a bit too much and eventually I stopped pumping; he got formula at daycare and breastfed when I was around. He self-weaned at 9 months.

I've done a wide range of options for feeding my children. Exclusively breastfed, Formula fed, breastfed through pregnancy and a little past the first year mark, breastfed plus breastmilk in a bottle, and breastfed plus formula. I've nursed on different medications and off of them. There is no shame or failure in any of these methods that I chose to feed my children. At the end of the day, what matters the most isn't *how* I fed my babies but *that* I fed them.

My experiences and feelings may not be yours. I can not say what is right or wrong for you and your family, aside from telling you that taking care of yourself is absolutely right, and that anyone who looks down on or tries to shame you for how you feed your children is 100% wrong. What I can tell you is that you are a good mother no matter what method (or combination of methods) you choose to feed your baby[ies]. In order to take care of others, we have to take care of ourselves first and practice radical self respect. Self-care is vital to not only our own well-being but the well-being of our babies and our families.

Whatever your choice, make it and don't let anyone get you down. If they want to say that they don't approve or agree or whatever, you feel free to send them on over to me and I'll gladly have a friendly chat with them.

Mental health hero moment: Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

In the past, I've written about my frustrations with people who attribute struggles with PPD or any other mental health issue to a lack of faith or any other spiritual failing. Today, I want to talk about someone who is getting it right: Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

During the 183rd Semiannual General Conference spanning from October 5-6, 2013, Elder Holland gave a talk titled "Like a Broken Vessel". Elder Holland, THANK YOU!

Elder Holland's talk should be required viewing/listening/reading for all Christians, no matter what church you do or don't go to. If you're not Mormon, ignore the Mormon-specific language. You can still get a lot out of it.

Here's one of of my favorite quotes from his talk:

"However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

Here, Elder Holland hits on a point of vital importance: mental illness is an illness. I have no problem posting on Facebook things like "My sinuses are terrible" and "The doctor says I have Pneumonia, time to break out the antibiotics", and should similarly not be afraid to say something like "I'm having a lot of trouble with horrible thoughts popping into my mind unbidden" and "I've just been diagnosed with Postpartum OCD. I'll be starting medication and finding a therapist". I absolutely love that Elder Holland has specifically acknowledge and pointed out that health is health and illness is illness and there should be no shame in acknowledging or seeking help.

I've talked before about how frustrating and non-helpful it is to say things like "Just pray more", "Just have more faith", "Are you sure you've confessed all your sins?", or anything else that insinuates that the person with PPMD (or any other mental health issues) is at fault or is somehow choosing to have PPD etc. The fact of the matter is that PPD etc. is not a spiritual issue, it's a health issue. It's not something that you can automatically just pray away. There are people who say that they prayed and received miraculous healing, and I'm truly happy for them, but that doesn't always work. Sometimes, prayer really isn't enough. You can have all the faith in the world and still have PPD, etc.

Elder Holland is one of my heroes in the Church, for being so willing to be open about his own struggles and for standing up in General Conference and saying "This is real. There shouldn't be any shame". For getting up there and saying that it's ok and good to seek help from professionals. For showing so much love and compassion and understanding. I hope to someday get to meet Elder Holland and tell him exactly how much his words meant to me and to so many others

For anybody out there who's reading this and trying to find their way through their own dark tunnel, especially for my LDS sisters, I leave you with these words from Elder Holland's talk. They are words that give me hope and I pray that they also bring you some measure of comfort.

"I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.” Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,” I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen".

Momentarily breaking the radio silence

TW: pregnancy, death of a pet, miscarriage, D&C

Hello! My apologies for the lack of posts lately. This year has been NUTS. January involved an IVF cycle as a Gestational Surrogate, culminating in a Frozen Embryo Transfer at the end of the month. February brought the news that my Intended Parents were going to get twin boys, due in October. March started off with having to put our family dog to sleep when her bone cancer got to the point that pain control wasn't possible, included my husband and kids alternating between a vacation and getting sick, and ended on March 31 with Spring Break starting with an OB appointment where I found out that I had a missed miscarriage of both twins. April started off with Spring Break involving lots of appointments and ending up at the hospital at the end of the week for a D&C and continued with me missing the first week back to school as I recovered, the kids missing 1 1/2 weeks of daycare sick, and both the girls having their birthdays. May involved Yumyum having to come back out of daycare for a couple of weeks with a food poisoning thing (not dangerous, just can't be at daycare b/c large groups of little kids too often have absolutely awful hygiene). All in all, I'd say I missed easily 1 1/2 months of class between various health issues. Oh yeah, did I mention that in all this craziness I'm still a full time college student? This semester I've been taking Intermediate B&W Photography, Intro to Linguistics, Public Speaking, and Intermediate Algebra & Coord. Geometry (that's all one math class) for a total of 13 units. PHEW!

Anyways, it's been nuts. It's like life in general decided to just kind of throw lots of crap at us all at one time, including deaths in the (extended) family. I have lots of ideas floating around in my head for blog entries but just haven't gotten around to finding the motivation (or time) to write them. I'm hoping that will change soon since it looks like things are moving in a much more positive (and calmer!) direction. But I figured I out to post an update to let anyone who happens across the blog know that yes, I am still out there and Through the Tunnel has not been totally abandoned.

I think that's about it for now. If you want to read more about my surrogacy journey, head on over to The Womb Fairy. I can, as always, be found on Twitter as @cornmuffinsmama. Much love and light to all of you!

Living through tornadoes

The morning of Good Friday in 1991, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and my brother, eating breakfast. Breakfast that morning was blueberry poptarts. Dad was in the bathroom at the other end of the house taking a shower. The weather was awful at our house in Marietta, GA. There was a thunderstorm unlike anything I can remember ever seeing before that. Despite being approximately 8:30am, it was as dark as midnight outside, except for the flashes of lightning which were so bright, they lit everything up like it was high noon. It was raining. Specifically, it was raining really hard, and the wind was blowing the rain completely sideways. The thunder seemed nearly constant and shook the house on the foundation. I remember my mom going to the front door to look outside and my brother and I followed her. I remember looking over and seeing our American flag blowing wildly and asking if we should bring it in. The radio was playing in the background but I don't remember what it was saying, it seems like it was the "wah wah wah" that you hear when adults speak in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

Suddenly, Mom said we had to get down to the basement. We lived in Georgia so people actually had basements underneath the house, down in the ground and everything. I remember following her and, despite me going as fast as I could, she was dragging me and I was stumbling. The steps were so steep as they went down into darkness, down into the ground where everything was cool and still.

We sat there in the basement, listening, straining our ears, trying to hear what was going on upstairs as a tornado disrupted our lives and tore up our house. On his website, my dad describes the tornado activity across the county and in our neighborhood/over and around our house:

"We would later find out that six maximum force tornadoes (winds measured well over 250MPH) all touched down in close proximity in the county essentially simultaneously. A friend on the south side of Atlanta (we were north) called because he had seen on eyewitness news there had been a tornado near us, and wondered if we had seen it. Andre', my best friend, called. "Pray for Darlene & the boys - they were hit in the car by a tornado! They're all shaken up; I'm going to try to get to them now." We had to laugh. We'd been through so much with them - here we went again! (They turned out to be fine, other than being shaken up.)

One tornado had come through the neighborhood, straight across the street, tearing up homes left and right. Another had gone right through the woods behind us; they had crossed by our back property line (after, we found, following roughly parallel courses for over a mile). There was a 50 yard swath cut through the woods at about 5 feet off the ground. All the tree tops were laid out nicely in the same direction - like Paul Bunyan and Babe had just gone through or something."

All of this was going on while we sat in the basement, scared of not only the tornado but scared for Dad, who was still in the shower when the tornado hit (an experience described here). We were a little off to the side of the stairs. There was a wooden desk sitting there. It was older, made out of solid wood, and had a little opening for your legs with wood sides all around, totally enclosed but for the front. I remember hunching down and pressing back as hard as I could, trying to get underneath the desk, instinctively feeling that the safest place was to be surrounded by something solid, not liking all the empty cavernous space of the basement and afraid that the ceiling (aka, the rest of the house) would fall down around us. I couldn't get underneath the desk because the leg space was filled with books (that's totally normal, right?) but still pushing back with all my might. I remember what those books felt like against my back. I was terrified.

After what seemed like an eternity, my Dad opened the door to the basement and came down to tell us it was safe to come upstairs. Mom and Josiah went upstairs with Dad. They all stood at the top of the stairs, calling down to try to reassure me it was okay to come back upstairs. Eventually, I had to be carried up the stairs. I still wasn't totally convinced that the tornado wouldn't come back. As far as I was concerned, life had just gone from normal to terrifying in a split second and now, a few minutes later, everyone was trying to convince me that it wouldn't happen again? Ha!

I emerged from the basement to find a world that seemed to me, a 6 year old girl, to be turned totally upside down. Windows were out of their frames and there were broken glass, dirt, and mud everywhere.  Outside, there were trees uprooted, but the glass cake dish on the kitchen counter was untouched. My brother's bedroom was undamaged except for a little spot in the ceiling where some water was leaking (a result of the roof being in less than fantastic shape). Across the hall, my bedroom was a total mess, having been hit the hardest of all the rooms in the house. As with many tornadoes, there were examples of this kind of surreal contrast all throughout the house and the neighborhood, the entire county.

An hour after the tornado ended, I realized I was still holding onto my blueberry poptart. Holding onto it might be a rather mild way of putting it, since my grip was so tight my fingers had made holes clean through and was basically wearing the poptart like some kind of odd ring.

This year, 2014, will be 23 years since the tornado hit our house with us inside. 23 years later, I can still remember clearly what it looked and sounded and felt like when the thunder rolled, the lightning struck, and the wind rattled everything, blowing trees over in half. I didn't get much sleep that weekend, terrified that a tornado would hit again. It was a long time before rain stopped freaking me out. 5 years later, I was still conducting tornado drills and fixing up the closets and bathrooms to be as safe and comfortable as possible if we had to take shelter every time there was a tornado watch or warning (we had moved to Central Texas where the limestone makes basements all but impossible). I think it's safe to say I may have been suffering some PTSD.

Maybe you're thinking "This is a PPD blog. Why am I reading about a tornado from Esther's childhood?". People often ask "What is PPD like?" and it hit me the other day that PPD, at least for me, was exactly like living through that tornado.

One minute, I was celebrating what should have been one of the happiest times of my life, but with a nagging sensation that something was wrong. All of a sudden, there was a storm. A massive and nasty storm, that turns my mental and emotional landscape, my entire life, everything around me, into an unrecognizable and scary scene. Everything becomes total chaos. Terrifying chaos, and I have no clue whether I'll live through it, whether or not my family will come out of it complete. There's noise. Things are light then dark then light, and my whole world is shaking and shaken. I'm utterly terrified, senseless with fear and uncertainty.

But eventually, into the darkness and chaos, light begins to extend. I start to notice that things are quieter, calmer. I'm being told that everything is over, that it's ok to come out of the dark, that life is safe again. It takes some doing but slowly, I emerge from my hiding place. I come out to find that everything in a shambles, that things are broken, but people pick me up and carry me to safety, and then people, loved ones, step in to help clean up the mess that this unasked for storm has made of my life.

When it's all said and done, nothing looked the same again. Nothing has ever been the same, either since the tornado or since PPD. But it is life, and it is put back together, it is mended, and I move on. Sometimes, I still get scared. 23 years after I lived through The Good Friday That Wasn't, I still have trouble sleeping through thunderstorms. I still go into pregnancy a little apprehensive, ever watchful for the symptoms, always on guard for signs that the storm that tore my life apart for those months might be reappearing, but I lived. I SURVIVED. And now, when I look back on both experiences, I see that I have come out of both times stronger and wiser, with more compassion and understanding for others whose lives are rocked by storms, whether physical or otherwise.

For 4 years, I've been trying to figure out why PPD felt so familiar, how to describe PPD, what PPD is like. I finally know.

If you're living through PPD, hang in there. It doesn't last forever (it only feels like it does). Eventually, the storm will let up and you'll be able to come back into the light. I can't guarantee that you'll come out unscathed, you may have some scars after all is said and done, but you will still be alive, you will still be you. The storm will end and you will be ok. There are people here for you to help you, to stand by you, to support you, to offer you a place to rest your head while you fix your roof. You are not alone in this storm or in the aftermath.

*Note* Pictures of the physical aftermath of the tornado that hit our house in 1991 can be seen here. 

Who knows?

Yesterday, a dear friend of mine turned me on to a news story that was featured by Fox 5 out of Atlanta. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get the video to play (my browser is being a little cantankerous) but the story I was able to read grabbed my attention.

The story Fox did covering Sarah Schwartz's fight with PPD is a familiar one. Breastfeeding. Anxiety. Not recognizing what was going on.

There was one thing that stood out in particular, though:

"Sarah says the irony in her story -- and the reason she wants to share it -- is that she works in mental health. She's been a social worker for 20 years and is the director of a nonprofit called Mental Health America of Georgia.

"And yet I was so sick that despite my knowledge, I still didn't recognize myself as being sick," Schwartz said.  "I thought, 'Could this be postpartum depression, could this be postpartum anxiety?'  And I thought, ‘No, I'm just a monster.  I am just a horrible person.' I understood for the first time in my life, why people commit suicide.""

People often say things like "How can you not know you have PPD?", "You must know what's going on with yourself", and all sorts of other phrases along the same line of thinking. The answer? I don't know.

What I do know is that for many of us, we don't recognize what's going on with us. You have to understand, PPD is literally messing with your brain. Me? My thought processes were different. My whole outlook on life was abnormal. I didn't recognize what was going on. It took me finding myself standing at the top of the stairs in the middle of the night thinking "I could just throw myself down the stairs", and then walking away only to think "I could take some pills and just go to sleep and not be hurting anymore and everyone would be rid of me, everyone would be better off without me anyways" before I realized "WHOA! Something is WAY off here, I need to talk to someone...".

I was good at hiding it; partly so others wouldn't think I was a horrible mother and partly, I suspect, so I wouldn't have to face the pain quite as much. Head buried in the sand, you know? I don't think most of my friends or family knew what I was going through. And most of them weren't that well informed and educated about PPMD anyways. Heaven knows I wasn't.

This difficulty that many women face in recognizing our own illness, recognizing that we need help, is why it's so important for everyone to be educated and informed about the realities of Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders. It doesn't matter how well educated a woman is about the symptoms and risks of PPMD, if she's "In the fog", she may not be able to recognize her own symptoms. There are quite a few things from my PPMD months that I don't really remember. Small wonder I couldn't recognize the symptoms. If the woman in your life is suffering, she may need your help to even be able to ask for help from trained medical professionals.

Thankfully, Sarah and I (along with many other women) found help through Postpartum Progress. Postpartum Progress is a WONDERFUL resource on PPMD, for everyone, regardless of whether you are a parent, parent-to-be, or someone who is a friend or family member of a new or soon-to-be-new parent. Please, educate yourself about the realities of PPMD. Know the symptoms. Know the difference between the Baby Blues, Postpartum Depression, and Postpartum Psychosis. Know about Postpartum OCD and Postpartum Anxiety. Know about Prenatal Depression. Know it all. Knowledge saves lives. Postpartum Progress has some very handy lists of symptoms in "Plain Mama English". Read the blogs of women who have survived PPMD (a list of blogs I follow is conveniently located in a tab at the top of this page). Check out resources like Postparum Support International, who has a list of support groups by geographical location and specialized support coordinators for dads, military families, Spanish speaking families, and Arabic speaking families. Online support can be found through PSI, #PPDChat on Twitter, and many other venues (including blogs and Facebook groups and pages).

Learn. Know. Educate yourself. Educate others. One of the biggest obstacles to me getting help once I realized what was going on was shame and stigma, fear of what others would think of me because of so many false ideas. In my opinion, the best ways to fight those nasty monsters are through education and public discussion.

One last note: I'd like to give a HUGE thank you to Fox 5 for doing such a wonderful story. Far too often when I hear about PPMD in the news it's in a negative manner that may have bad/false information and just spreads the stigma. This story gets it right. I'm dancing on my chair in gratefulness. Thank you, Fox. And thank you Sarah, for being willing to speak up and speak out. Warrior Moms unite!

Liebster Award? Yes please!

A few weeks ago, I was nominated for a Liebster Award by Jen at Morning Coffee Confessions. I'm tickled pink and very happy that she thought of me. Thanks Jen!!!

It took me a couple of weeks to get to putting up my post (thank you midterms), but I figure better late than never. :)

In case you're wondering what the Liebster Award is, here's some information that I copied from Jen's blog:


What is the Liebster Award?
The Liebster Award is an award for pint size bloggers (bloggers who have under 200 followers) and is a great way to find new blogs to follow and hopefully make new bloggy friends.

The Rules:
1. Link back to the person who nominated you.
2. Answer the 11 questions asked by your nominator.
3. Choose 11 bloggers. each with fewer than 200 followers, and nominate them for the award.
4. Come up with 11 questions for your nominees to answer.
5. Contact your nominees and notify them of your nomination.

The questions Jen asked me:
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought?
"Wow, I can't believe it's our anniversary!"
(It's our fifth)

2. What did the last text message you received on your phone say?
"Sure. :)"

3. What's your life motto?
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

4. If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be?
One of the Garden suites on a Norwegian Cruise Lines cruise ship.

5. What's the best route to your heart?
Be kind to my family, especially my children, and talk in an educated manner about how awful Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders are and how much need there is to fight the stigma and misinformation floating around about PPMD.

6. What do your friends and/or family think about your blog?
They think it's great. My family and friends have been very supportive of my blog.

7. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
What didn't I want to be? It changed hourly. I definitely wanted to be a mom though.

8. Did you have any resolutions this year? What were they?
No. I don't make resolutions anymore. I set goals and give myself permission to not beat myself up if they don't get achieved.

9. Do you have a day job? If so, what do you do?
I'm a full-time college student and a wife and mom.

10. Something that you learned recently?
When you're developing black and white photos in a darkroom, you can't pour Fixer down the drain. It's toxic after it's been used because it contains silver particles.

11. Coffee or tea?
Tricky question. As a Mormon who's observing Word of Wisdom, I should say herbal tea since WoW's guidance is to not drink tea or coffee unless the tea is herbal tea. However, I love me some Pumpkin Spice Latte or Frappucino. Or rather, I did. No, I still love it, I just don't indulge. There we go.

You're welcome.

My nominees:

1. Ashley at Hull: Family of Three.

2. AddyB at Butterfly Confessions.

3. Lindsay at With a Little Love and Luck.

4. Anna at Anna and Aaron.

5. StoryGirl at Sometimes It's Hard.

6. Cori at In Pink Ink.

7. Lauren at My Postpartum Voice.

8. Stephanie at The Mormon Child Bride.

9. Alice at Reclaiming My Inner Pioneer.

10. Julia at The Sugary Shrink.

11. Janae at Claire and Janae.

The Questions:
1. What is your best quality?
2. What is your blog about?
3. What is one cause, issue, charity, etc. that you wish more people knew about?
4. What kind of chocolate do you prefer?
5. What is one piece of advice you wish you could go back in time and give your teenage self?
6. Who is your hero?
7. What is your favorite tv show?
8. How many pillows do you sleep with?
9. If you could be any superhero or villain, who would it be?
10. What's your favorite holiday?
11. What's one thing you wish you could tell everyone in the world?

Have fun, bloggers! Please don't feel any pressure to answer this, or to answer it within any particular time frame. But, if/when you do answer, if you let me know, I'll add the link to your response post to this post so other people can read what you have to say. :)

Shout out to a hero, Cristi Comes

I know today is 9/11 and it's expected to talk about the events of that awful day and the people who were lost in those tragic events. But you know what? I want to take today to focus on something positive, talk about someone who is doing great things to help other people.

Picture from Motherhood Unadorned.

One of the lovely things about the internet is that it helps you meet people you might not meet otherwise. Take, for example, Cristi Comes of Motherhood Unadorned. I know Cristi (online) because of both of our involvement in the online PPD community. She's one of my Warrior Mom idols, I really look up to her. She's talented and her passion for advocacy, awareness, education, and support in the PPD community are beyond description. Straight up, she rocks.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week and Cristi has been hard at work. She's done some fantastic blog posts including a guest post from Leila (who blogs at Life As Leels) and her own blog post about ways we can fight suicide. She's been posting up a storm of links and images, such as the one to the left. She's organized an online Stella and Dot Trunk Show to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. She's been tweeting links and... well... tweets... that are relevant, helpful, etc.

Did I mention that Cristi is fantastic and I absolutely adore her?

Cristi is one of those people who truly embodies what it means to care about other people and work to make the world a better place, to fight against the stigma and myths that surround mental illness, suicide, Postpartum Depression, and related topics. She is a shining beacon of light and hope to people who feel worn out by life, who feel like they're alone, who feel like there is no hope.

There are a lot of people out there who don't get it. WAY too many who don't get it, people who actively fight against the idea that mental illness and suicide are serious, people who think that stigma is a joke and that it's okay to mock and deride those who speak up, people who think that suicide is a joking matter (it's not a joke and it's not a game). In fact, I've got another post cooking about an instance of that exact thing happening, an instance in which Cristi speaks up and people are just inane jerks to her, but I wanted to talk about the good first, because good people like Cristi deserve the spotlight more than the jerks of the world.

Thank you, Cristi, for everything that you do. You may never know how much good you accomplish and how much you and your efforts mean to other people, but your contributions can't be measured by any human markers. Keep up the good work, you inspiring person you.

Be sure to check out Cristi's blog, twitter, and the Stella and Dot show through the links posted throughout the blog.

Unexpected emotions

Recently, I posted about my new journey to be a Gestational Surrogate. I will not be using TriCare; instead, I'll be using private insurance, which I applied for after I matched with my Intended Parents. Recently, I got an email from the insurance agent stating that my application had been passed on to the underwriters for further consideration and that they would be in touch with me. Today, I finally got a call from them and, just as I had suspected, they needed to ask me some more questions about my medical history.

I had expected that they would want to ask me about my thyroid and the PPD I had after Lizzie was born. What I didn't expect was to feel ashamed talking to them about the PPD. I pretty quickly realized that I was giving way more information than they needed and that I felt like I was some sort of freak of nature for what I went through.

It was a little upsetting to realize that I still harbor feelings of shame about my PPD. I talk about my experiences all the time. I'm very open about what I went through. I blog. I tweet. I talk about it on Facebook. I talk about it in person. I try to be an open book about my experiences, partly so that people know they have someone to talk to instead of feeling all alone like I did. A big part of it, though, is that I talk about it so others know that it isn't anything to be ashamed of. And yet, I still sometimes get knocked for a loop by that lingering monster of false guilt. Ugh.


P.S.
If you're interested in following my journey through surrogacy, head on over to The Womb Fairy, my new blog devoted to the path towards being a very personal and very extended babysitter.

My mom's thoughts on PPD

In honor of the fact that my mom is celebrating her birthday this week, I thought I'd share a guest post she sent me a little while back. My mom is a wonderful and amazing person; I can't imagine having anyone but her as my mom and I'm so blessed to have such a supportive woman in my life. Please welcome my mother, Sharon O'Neal.

I would like to share some of my thoughts about PPD, in hopes that it'll be helpful.

I experienced some mild baby blues after my second baby's birth. They would happen unexpectedly at the strangest moments, but then pass in a short while. I'm sure my two-year-old daughter wondered why Mommy would tear up while reading about cars, planes, and trains! But, within a few weeks or so, they were gone, and life was wonderful and busy. 

Life happened and time passed, and I didn't think about it very often. Then, when our granddaughter Elizabeth was three months old, we received a call from our son-in-love letting us know that Esther had gone to the hospital to seek help for Postpartum Depression and he was at home with the (breastfeeding) baby. I promised to pack some things and go the next day. I stayed with them, helping with Elizabeth. 

When we got clearance to go visit Esther at the facility, we would go and take turns visiting Esther while the other one waited with Elizabeth in the waiting area. I remember the first time I saw Esther after her admittance. She had the bleakest, most lifeless look in her eyes. The despair in her was almost physically palpable. It broke my heart to think of how much she was and had been suffering. As I think back now, I have tears in my eyes, and I remember thinking, “We will do whatever we need to do to help this daughter and her precious family.” 

The following season was one of the hardest in my life. But, when I see how hard Esther and Eric have fought this disease, and how passionate she has become on behalf of others, I am so thankful that she had the courage to say, “I need help and I deserve help.” And that's the message I now try to pass on to others: no matter what you're dealing with, you are loved, you do deserve help, and there's no reason to feel any shame or guilt for this problem. If there's a family member of a woman with PPMD who needs someone to listen, I'm here for you.

I can't put into words how grateful I am for Mom's love, support, and acceptance during that difficult time, and ever since, extending now to how grateful I am for this post. I love you, Mom!

My new journey: gestational surrogacy

Recently, I told my family and friends about a new journey I've undertaken: Gestational Surrogacy. In a nutshell, I'm going to carry a baby (or babies?) for someone else. I won't get into a long spiel about why I'm doing it; if you want, you can follow my journey at my surrogacy blog, The Womb Fairy.

Today, I want to address a question that I've been getting a lot. In various forms and wordings, people ask me "But what about PPD? Why put yourself through that again?".

In large part, I think this is due to a misunderstanding of what, exactly, my experience with PPD has been. After my first daughter was born, I was hospitalized twice and had to take medication after being diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. I believe there was also undiagnosed Postpartum OCD since I had the classic symptom of intrusive thoughts, but for this post, that is neither here nor there. Regardless of what the diagnosis was, it was an absolutely horrible experience that nobody should ever have to live through; I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.

However, when I was 8 months postpartum (December 2009), I was (belatedly) diagnosed with hypothyroidism (I say "belatedly" because I came to find out that the numbers had been there earlier, my previous doctor just didn't say or do anything about it). The hypothyroidism was caused by the pregnancy and was what was causing my PPD. As soon as my new doctor diagnosed this, she started me on 25 mcg of levothyroxine. Drugs.com explains levothyroxine as "a replacement for a hormone normally produced by your thyroid gland to regulate the body's energy and metabolism. Levothyroxine is gven when the thyroid does not produce enough of this hormone on it's own". Levothyroxine is classified as an FDA pregnancy category A drug, meaning that it is not expected to harm an unborn baby. 25mcg was the lowest dose that I could be started at. Upon checking my levels at a follow-up apointment, my thyroid levels were improved but still not within normal limits so the doctor up'ed my prescription to 50mcg. Follow-up labs showed that 50mcg was my magic dose. To date, including during my 2 subsequent pregnancies, my thyroid levels have been monitored (at least once per trimester during pregnancy and once a year outside of that) and have never gone outside of normal limits, my medication dosage has never had to be adjusted, and I've never again had trouble with PPMD.

I did take Zoloft at the end of pregnancy and throughout the first few months postpartum with the last two babies, as a prophylactic measure, but have been able to come off of that easily and quickly, and - again - have not had a repeat of 2009.

So, why would I put myself through this when I know there's a risk of a repeat of PPMD? There are several reasons.
1. Anyone who is pregnant, for themselves or for someone else, risks PPMD.
2. From a risk-benefit assessment standpoint, I don't see the risk as being high. It is very clear that 2009 was a direct result of my thyroid being off, and history has shown that subsequent pregnancies have not been an issue. The doctors are fine with it and so am I. And *if* I were to end up with PPMD again, I would feel in the long run that it was worth it, to give someone the precious gift of a baby. But again, I simply don't think there's that much of a risk
3. If I live my life according to "But what if...", I've let PPMD win. I refuse, absolutely REFUSE, to let fear rule my life. I certainly refuse to let PPMD have such a say in what choices I make. PPMD doesn't get to decide what I do, where I go, who I associate with, or how I live my life. PPMD doesn't get to hold me back. I let PPMD do that in 2009 and I won't allow it to do so now when I haven't even had PPMD in years. I don't care to allow PPMD that much of a foothold in my life.

A big part of the reason why I have this blog, why I'm involved in the PPMD awareness/education community, is because I hate PPMD and I don't want PPMD to win. If I let fear of PPMD dictate my choices and hold me back, I've handed it a trophy. I won't do that. PPMD is a bastard that I want to see defeated and eradicated and a big step in that direction, for me, is in making my own choices instead of letting PPMD make those choices for me. I will not let fear run my life. I've taken my life back and I plan on keeping it that way.

*DISCLAIMER* I am in no way judging those who feel that a different choice is better for them. Everyone has to do what they feel is right for them, that is not for me to decide for anyone but myself. There are other people who feel different for themselves and I totally support that. This blog post and the opinions contained in it are strictly my own thoughts and feelings, my own choices, for myself, and should not be assumed to be what I think anyone else should do. This blog should also not be taken as critical of anyone who has asked me why I would be a surrogate, it is only an explanation of how I'm thinking on this issue.

PPD isn't impressed by titles or wealth

I'm one of those people who is fascinated by royalty, especially the British Royal Family. I remember watching the funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales when I was a teenager. I watched Prince William's wedding to the former Kate Middleton live (streamed it on the internet) very early in the morning while I nursed a newborn baby. I've been enthralled waiting for the arrival of the newest member of their family (who came into the world on July 22, 2013), formerly known as "the royal baby" and now (since his name as been announced) known as HRH Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge.

This evening, something struck me that has stuck with me in the back of the mind for the last couple of days. I got to watch via live stream (yay for smart phones) as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge brought Prince George out front of the hospital to meet the press, the public, and - in a way, the world - before leaving for Kensington Palace. Kate said something then that has been niggling at my brain; she said that it's "very emotional".

Pregnancy is emotional. Childbirth is emotional. Becoming parents is emotional, whether it's your first child or your third. She nailed it.

But I hope - and I don't know how well I can translate my thoughts and feelings on this in to words - that she knows to watch out for the negative emotions. I hope that she is surrounded by people who know about Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum OCD, Postpartum Psychosis, etc., who can help her keep an eye out for it and - should she start to suffer - help her get help.

But I don't just wish this for her. I wish this for EVERY new mom out there. My hope for all of you is that you have educated yourself about the realities and symptoms of PPMD, that you are surrounded by people who know about it and who will speak up and help you get help if they notice something is wrong.

PPMD is no respecter of persons. It doesn't care who you are. It's a bastard like that. We ALL deserve to be able to get help, though. Don't think that because you don't have a title you don't deserve help or are supposed to suffer. And don't think that because you're a celebrity you have to suffer in silence and just try to push through it.  If you need help, ask for it.

We all matter.

My Mother's Day wish for you

I'd like to start by apologizing for my silence. It's been kind of a crazy month-plus since my last post and some personal circumstances have made it hard for me to post anything (emotionally, writer's block, that kind of hard). However, I'm dusting off my pen (so to speak) for Mother's Day.

For all the mothers out there, of any variety, Happy Mother's Day. If you are a mother, you are fierce and you are awesome. Whether you are a birth mom, adoptive mom, stay-at-home-mom, work-at-home-mom, employed outside the home mom, mom who goes to college, mom who's lost a baby or a child, or any other kind of mom (and this is by no means an exclusive list), you rock. You are a wonderful mom, no matter how much you feel otherwise (goodness knows I feel less than awesome quite often). It doesn't matter what you look like, what you wear, whether you breast feed or formula feed or some combination, whether you use cloth diapers or disposable, whether you wear your baby or not, whether or not you vaccinate or if you do so on schedule, delayed, or alternative/selective schedule, whether you gave birth with medication, without medication, vaginally, or by c-section, how many children you have, whether they live with you, with someone else, or in heaven, whether you are tall or short, skinny or fluffy, all that doesn't matter. You. Are. Awesome. You are fierce. You are amazing. You are fantastic, fabulous, wonderful, beautiful inside and out, lovely, and great.

Motherhood is not all about being the "perfect" mom. It's not about meeting some nonsensical ideal that the world has set up for us. It's not about being some specific religion or member of any one church. Motherhood is not about baking cookies every day, sewing your own clothes and having them look like they came off the rack at Nordstrom. It's not about having the best Pinterest boards (and making everything off of them and having the projects turn out perfectly). It's not about always being happy, having beautifully done makeup and manicured/painted nails. Motherhood is not even the one thing that defines you. You are a complex woman with many roles and many defining factors and aspects.

Don't let the hype of being the perfect mother get you down or make you feel less than worthy. I assure you, there is no such thing as the perfect mother who has everything together (maybe my own mom, but I'm pretty sure she'd disagree with me since she's the one who told me there's no perfect mom).

And to all my PPMD mama's, I'd like to send extra special gentle and loving hugs to you. Having PPMD doesn't say anything about your capabilities as a mom. It doesn't make you any less of a mom or a worse mom. Love yourself, accept yourself, give yourself permission to feel whatever you want or need to feel, even if that means not liking Mother's Day because it reminds you of all your struggles. I'd also recommend you head over to Postpartum Progress and check out the 5th Annual Mother's Day Rally for Mental Health.

If you are a mom, today is for you. I know sometimes Mother's Day can be so incredibly difficult. This year, it has difficult aspects for me. If Mother's Day is bittersweet for you, that's okay. If it's sad, that's okay. If it makes you angry, that's okay. Today, if Mother's Day is happy, I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. If it isn't, I wish you Whatever Kind Of Mother's Day You Need Mother's Day To Be.

You have my love.

HAWMC Day 4: Sharing Resources

Sharing Resources:

Create a “care page” – a list of your best resources that someone who is newly diagnosed could

go to when starting to advocate for themselves or a loved one. Remember to include sites that

lead to successful self advocacy!

PPMD related blogs I recommend:

• PostPartum Progress
• Band Back Together
• Beyond PostPartum
• Kate Kripke, LCSW: Prenatal and PostPartum Wellness Strategies
• Butterfly Confessions
• Farewell Stranger
• James and Jax
• Learned Happiness
• Motherhood Unadorned
• Multitasking Mumma
• My PostPartum Voice
• Our Giggles & Grimaces
• Our Journey Through Life
• PostPartum Desert
• PPD Survivor
• PPD to Joy
• Really? I'm A Mom?
• Self-Care Tips For Women
• Sometimes It's Hard
• Supermom
• The Rebuild Blog
• To Breathe Again
• With a Little Love and Luck

Other recommended links:

• Jenny's Light
• March of Dimes: PPD
• The PostPartum Resource Center of New York
• PostPartum Support International
• PSI Support for Military Families
• PostPartum Progress: PPD Support Groups in the US and Canada
• The Online PPMD Support Group
• The Baby Blues Connection

Twitter:

#PPDChat is a weekly Twitter chat  led by Lauren Hale on Mondays at 1pm and 8:30pm Eastern Time. The #PPDChat hashtag is used during non-moderated chat times as a community of support, friendship, and advocacy whenever wanted/needed.