Momentarily breaking the radio silence

TW: pregnancy, death of a pet, miscarriage, D&C

Hello! My apologies for the lack of posts lately. This year has been NUTS. January involved an IVF cycle as a Gestational Surrogate, culminating in a Frozen Embryo Transfer at the end of the month. February brought the news that my Intended Parents were going to get twin boys, due in October. March started off with having to put our family dog to sleep when her bone cancer got to the point that pain control wasn't possible, included my husband and kids alternating between a vacation and getting sick, and ended on March 31 with Spring Break starting with an OB appointment where I found out that I had a missed miscarriage of both twins. April started off with Spring Break involving lots of appointments and ending up at the hospital at the end of the week for a D&C and continued with me missing the first week back to school as I recovered, the kids missing 1 1/2 weeks of daycare sick, and both the girls having their birthdays. May involved Yumyum having to come back out of daycare for a couple of weeks with a food poisoning thing (not dangerous, just can't be at daycare b/c large groups of little kids too often have absolutely awful hygiene). All in all, I'd say I missed easily 1 1/2 months of class between various health issues. Oh yeah, did I mention that in all this craziness I'm still a full time college student? This semester I've been taking Intermediate B&W Photography, Intro to Linguistics, Public Speaking, and Intermediate Algebra & Coord. Geometry (that's all one math class) for a total of 13 units. PHEW!

Anyways, it's been nuts. It's like life in general decided to just kind of throw lots of crap at us all at one time, including deaths in the (extended) family. I have lots of ideas floating around in my head for blog entries but just haven't gotten around to finding the motivation (or time) to write them. I'm hoping that will change soon since it looks like things are moving in a much more positive (and calmer!) direction. But I figured I out to post an update to let anyone who happens across the blog know that yes, I am still out there and Through the Tunnel has not been totally abandoned.

I think that's about it for now. If you want to read more about my surrogacy journey, head on over to The Womb Fairy. I can, as always, be found on Twitter as @cornmuffinsmama. Much love and light to all of you!

Unexpected emotions

Recently, I posted about my new journey to be a Gestational Surrogate. I will not be using TriCare; instead, I'll be using private insurance, which I applied for after I matched with my Intended Parents. Recently, I got an email from the insurance agent stating that my application had been passed on to the underwriters for further consideration and that they would be in touch with me. Today, I finally got a call from them and, just as I had suspected, they needed to ask me some more questions about my medical history.

I had expected that they would want to ask me about my thyroid and the PPD I had after Lizzie was born. What I didn't expect was to feel ashamed talking to them about the PPD. I pretty quickly realized that I was giving way more information than they needed and that I felt like I was some sort of freak of nature for what I went through.

It was a little upsetting to realize that I still harbor feelings of shame about my PPD. I talk about my experiences all the time. I'm very open about what I went through. I blog. I tweet. I talk about it on Facebook. I talk about it in person. I try to be an open book about my experiences, partly so that people know they have someone to talk to instead of feeling all alone like I did. A big part of it, though, is that I talk about it so others know that it isn't anything to be ashamed of. And yet, I still sometimes get knocked for a loop by that lingering monster of false guilt. Ugh.


P.S.
If you're interested in following my journey through surrogacy, head on over to The Womb Fairy, my new blog devoted to the path towards being a very personal and very extended babysitter.

My new journey: gestational surrogacy

Recently, I told my family and friends about a new journey I've undertaken: Gestational Surrogacy. In a nutshell, I'm going to carry a baby (or babies?) for someone else. I won't get into a long spiel about why I'm doing it; if you want, you can follow my journey at my surrogacy blog, The Womb Fairy.

Today, I want to address a question that I've been getting a lot. In various forms and wordings, people ask me "But what about PPD? Why put yourself through that again?".

In large part, I think this is due to a misunderstanding of what, exactly, my experience with PPD has been. After my first daughter was born, I was hospitalized twice and had to take medication after being diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. I believe there was also undiagnosed Postpartum OCD since I had the classic symptom of intrusive thoughts, but for this post, that is neither here nor there. Regardless of what the diagnosis was, it was an absolutely horrible experience that nobody should ever have to live through; I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.

However, when I was 8 months postpartum (December 2009), I was (belatedly) diagnosed with hypothyroidism (I say "belatedly" because I came to find out that the numbers had been there earlier, my previous doctor just didn't say or do anything about it). The hypothyroidism was caused by the pregnancy and was what was causing my PPD. As soon as my new doctor diagnosed this, she started me on 25 mcg of levothyroxine. Drugs.com explains levothyroxine as "a replacement for a hormone normally produced by your thyroid gland to regulate the body's energy and metabolism. Levothyroxine is gven when the thyroid does not produce enough of this hormone on it's own". Levothyroxine is classified as an FDA pregnancy category A drug, meaning that it is not expected to harm an unborn baby. 25mcg was the lowest dose that I could be started at. Upon checking my levels at a follow-up apointment, my thyroid levels were improved but still not within normal limits so the doctor up'ed my prescription to 50mcg. Follow-up labs showed that 50mcg was my magic dose. To date, including during my 2 subsequent pregnancies, my thyroid levels have been monitored (at least once per trimester during pregnancy and once a year outside of that) and have never gone outside of normal limits, my medication dosage has never had to be adjusted, and I've never again had trouble with PPMD.

I did take Zoloft at the end of pregnancy and throughout the first few months postpartum with the last two babies, as a prophylactic measure, but have been able to come off of that easily and quickly, and - again - have not had a repeat of 2009.

So, why would I put myself through this when I know there's a risk of a repeat of PPMD? There are several reasons.
1. Anyone who is pregnant, for themselves or for someone else, risks PPMD.
2. From a risk-benefit assessment standpoint, I don't see the risk as being high. It is very clear that 2009 was a direct result of my thyroid being off, and history has shown that subsequent pregnancies have not been an issue. The doctors are fine with it and so am I. And *if* I were to end up with PPMD again, I would feel in the long run that it was worth it, to give someone the precious gift of a baby. But again, I simply don't think there's that much of a risk
3. If I live my life according to "But what if...", I've let PPMD win. I refuse, absolutely REFUSE, to let fear rule my life. I certainly refuse to let PPMD have such a say in what choices I make. PPMD doesn't get to decide what I do, where I go, who I associate with, or how I live my life. PPMD doesn't get to hold me back. I let PPMD do that in 2009 and I won't allow it to do so now when I haven't even had PPMD in years. I don't care to allow PPMD that much of a foothold in my life.

A big part of the reason why I have this blog, why I'm involved in the PPMD awareness/education community, is because I hate PPMD and I don't want PPMD to win. If I let fear of PPMD dictate my choices and hold me back, I've handed it a trophy. I won't do that. PPMD is a bastard that I want to see defeated and eradicated and a big step in that direction, for me, is in making my own choices instead of letting PPMD make those choices for me. I will not let fear run my life. I've taken my life back and I plan on keeping it that way.

*DISCLAIMER* I am in no way judging those who feel that a different choice is better for them. Everyone has to do what they feel is right for them, that is not for me to decide for anyone but myself. There are other people who feel different for themselves and I totally support that. This blog post and the opinions contained in it are strictly my own thoughts and feelings, my own choices, for myself, and should not be assumed to be what I think anyone else should do. This blog should also not be taken as critical of anyone who has asked me why I would be a surrogate, it is only an explanation of how I'm thinking on this issue.