Momentarily breaking the radio silence

TW: pregnancy, death of a pet, miscarriage, D&C

Hello! My apologies for the lack of posts lately. This year has been NUTS. January involved an IVF cycle as a Gestational Surrogate, culminating in a Frozen Embryo Transfer at the end of the month. February brought the news that my Intended Parents were going to get twin boys, due in October. March started off with having to put our family dog to sleep when her bone cancer got to the point that pain control wasn't possible, included my husband and kids alternating between a vacation and getting sick, and ended on March 31 with Spring Break starting with an OB appointment where I found out that I had a missed miscarriage of both twins. April started off with Spring Break involving lots of appointments and ending up at the hospital at the end of the week for a D&C and continued with me missing the first week back to school as I recovered, the kids missing 1 1/2 weeks of daycare sick, and both the girls having their birthdays. May involved Yumyum having to come back out of daycare for a couple of weeks with a food poisoning thing (not dangerous, just can't be at daycare b/c large groups of little kids too often have absolutely awful hygiene). All in all, I'd say I missed easily 1 1/2 months of class between various health issues. Oh yeah, did I mention that in all this craziness I'm still a full time college student? This semester I've been taking Intermediate B&W Photography, Intro to Linguistics, Public Speaking, and Intermediate Algebra & Coord. Geometry (that's all one math class) for a total of 13 units. PHEW!

Anyways, it's been nuts. It's like life in general decided to just kind of throw lots of crap at us all at one time, including deaths in the (extended) family. I have lots of ideas floating around in my head for blog entries but just haven't gotten around to finding the motivation (or time) to write them. I'm hoping that will change soon since it looks like things are moving in a much more positive (and calmer!) direction. But I figured I out to post an update to let anyone who happens across the blog know that yes, I am still out there and Through the Tunnel has not been totally abandoned.

I think that's about it for now. If you want to read more about my surrogacy journey, head on over to The Womb Fairy. I can, as always, be found on Twitter as @cornmuffinsmama. Much love and light to all of you!

I started Zoloft this week

I'm now 38 weeks and 4 days. I have 9 days left until my due date. So far, my thyroid levels have stayed under control and so have my weight and my hormones/emotions. Well, as much as hormones/emotions stay under control in pregnancy. LOL My perinatal doctor continued to check my thyroid levels every 4 weeks all the way through pregnancy and since my levels were normal at my 36 week check-up, I won't have to see him again. Yay for normal levels!

My midwives started me on Zoloft this week. It's an antidepressant (an SSRI) that is safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding. I haven't had any symptoms of depression but we're doing it as a preventative measure. I suspect that as long as we keep my Thyroid managed, I won't have any issues with PPD but I'd rather be safe than sorry and to know that I did everything possible to avoid issues this time around.

It was actually a hard decision for me, whether to start Zoloft or just rely on the thyroid medication. I know, I know, it should be a no brainer to take it right? The problem was, I felt like starting Zoloft made the possibility of having PPD again seem that much more real. Sort of like, if I ignore it and don't treat it it's not really a threat and won't happen. I didn't want to take it and remember the place I was at before, when I did have PPD last time. The deciding factor for me, after wrestling with the decision, was when a girl I knew from an online forum killed herself. It was sort of a slap in the face, a reminder of what depression can do from an outside perspective instead of just looking at it from "what did it make ME feel". It was also a reality check that "Hey, this is nothing to play around with.". I came to the conclusion that nobody will judge me or look down on me for taking it, and if they do then they are probably not someone I really want to be friends with... but you better believe that before I say Adios there'd be a little chat about PPD and the effects it can have on the mom, her family and friends, every aspect of her life, and how the stigma attached should not be there and how no it really doesn't mean someone is crazy or any less of a human/woman/Christian/whatever.