I would not take any of these drugs

Welcome to the second post in my series This So-Called Disease. In the first installment, I talked about the person who left this comment on someone else's status about Zoloft vs. Celexa.

In that first post in the series, I touched on how the use of the phrase "this so-called disease" and others like it trivialize and make light of mental health in general and Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders specifically. I'm still seething about that...

In this post, I'm going to examine the first sentence of this comment and try to express how it makes me feel as a survivor of Postpartum Depression, Postpartum OCD, and Postpartum Anxiety.

"Pardon me, but I would not take any of these drugs."

When I think of how I would respond to someone saying that, I'm torn between "That's nice. Good thing I'm not you" and something slightly less snarky. In my experience, people who say things like this usually respond to a smartaleck response with something along the lines of getting offended and huffing about "Well I'm only trying to help" or "You don't have to be so rude". Alright. First off, it's rude of YOU to come in here and tell me "I wouldn't take that" and act like you know every facet of my situation and medical history, and the factors my doctor and I are looking at. And that's without even starting to look at how incredibly rude it is to make light of someone's illness and basically blow them off. So don't go firing the first shot and then be upset when the person you've just gone after on a very sensitive topic shoots back.

If I were a better person, my first instinct would probably be to respond with something more along the lines of "Thank you for your input but my doctor and I have decided that this is the best course of action for me. Here are some facts and statistics about Postpartum Depression and mental health. Let me educate you.". But by golly, it gets so frustrating to constantly and continuously hear people who have never been in your shoes tell you that they know better than you what you're going through and how you should handle it.

When someone tells you something like "Pardon me, but I would not take any of these drugs", it's very easy to feel like you're being told that you're making the wrong decision and doing the wrong thing. Considering that when I was fighting this nasty battle, one of the worst parts was my brain telling me that I was doing everything wrong and I was a colossal screw-up, I sure as heck didn't need other people (who didn't really know what they were talking about) telling me what I was doing wrong or what I should do better/differently. I was already beating myself to a pulp,; I didn't need any outside help taking a hammer to me or even handing the hammer to me.

On top of that, you're not me. If you've never been in my shoes, you can't know what you would or wouldn't do if you were me. You can THINK you know, but you don't. Not really. Until you're inside my head and my heart, feeling what I feel, thinking my thoughts, seeing things the way I do through my lens of PPMD (and everyone's lens is a little different, no two people have the exact same filter), you don't know, so stop trying to tell me what YOU would do and try supporting me,

If you really feel that your concerns about whatever treatment I'm considering are that big that you really have to say something, do some research first and then come to me privately and say "Hey, so I have some concerns. Here's what they are, here's why I feel this way, and here's what I found when I looked into it. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just want what's best for you and I want you to know that no matter what, I love and support you and I'm always here for you.". Do you see the difference?

It's been my experience that people don't usually like to be told that they're wrong, even about small things. When it comes to something as important and sensitive as how they're considering or choosing to treat an illness, it's even more so.

I don't know many people who go into decisions about things like mental health treatment and antidepressants lightly. I know the person this comment was directed towards certainly isn't. I definitely didn't; not when I was hospitalized the first time, not when I decided to take Zoloft starting at 38 weeks when I was pregnant the second time, and not when I decided to start Zoloft at 35 weeks this last time instead of waiting until 38 weeks. None of these decisions were made lightly. They were all made with a great deal of research and talking to my husband, my medical professionals, and friends who had dealt with similar situations. In my opinion, it is the height of arrogance to set yourself up as an authority on the decisions a person is making about this type of thing when you are anything but, and to tell them loftily "Well that's not what I would do". Not only do you set yourself up to potentially lose a friend and make yourself look like a complete jackass in the process, you can potentially do a lot of damage to the person you're giving this "advice" to.

You wouldn't take these drugs? That's nice. You're not me. You don't know what I'm dealing with. And you're not my doctor. So until you can be supportive instead of being a jerk, just take this particular piece of advice and shove it. I won't tell you exactly where to shove it, I'm sure you can figure that out for yourself.

Still going strong

It's been almost 3 months since I came off of the Celexa and I am doing great. I haven't had a need to go to the ER or talk to a therapist, I haven't had to take Ativan... no more depression, yay! I posted this recently on a forum I'm part of...

Ok. So I realized that it has been 6 months since I took any Ambien or Ativan. Even better, it's been 3 months since I took antidepressants and in that 3 months, I haven't NEEDED to take anything and I haven't had to go to the therapist or the ER or anything like that! It may seem like not that big a deal but it's a HUGE deal to me. Considering that this time a year ago I was in the middle of PPD and just didn't know that's what it was, and I was sure I would never feel normal again, I'm so happy to be off the meds and that everything is under control with the Synthroid.

and

11 months ago, I was being admitted to the hospital and stayed for a little over a week. I felt like the worst mama and wife in the world, I pretty literally couldn't stop crying, and I didn't believe any of the doctors or nurses or staff at the hospital who told me I really would be okay and that it wouldn't last forever. I was so ashamed of what was going on and felt like it was my fault in some way and I thought I would never feel "right" or "normal" again. It's a great feeling to know that I beat that. It was such a rough fight and it really shed a lot of light for me on the stigma and lack of understanding that accompanies any type of mental or emotional issue like PPD. Even DH didn't understand how long it could last and felt like I should have been "better" sooner than I was and got frustrated. I got frustrated with myself. Now I look back and I'm so proud of myself for making it past something I thought was insurmountable and for making myself get the help that I needed even though I was ashamed to. I'm proud of the fact that I'm not ashamed anymore and that I can openly talk about what I went through in hopes of helping someone else, and I'm so happy to have been able to help others who have been in my situation and needed to know they weren't alone. I think this is something God has given me that I can use as a ministry to reach out to others. I'm thankful that I had access to the help I needed and the resources to help me through it. I'm thankful for a husband who supported me even when he didn't understand what was going on, for a family that supported me, for friends who helped out with watching Muffin and getting me out of the house, and for friends online who supported me and were actually part of why I finally admitted I needed to go to the ER.

I used to be ashamed of what happened to me, of what I was dealing with. Now, I know that it wasn't my fault and it didn't say ANYTHING about me as a person, it certainly didn't make me a bad Christian or a bad wife or mother. I thank God for getting me through what He has and for bringing me out a stronger woman. I share my experiences now with people and I'm proud of the fact that I've been able to help others know they're not alone in this. I know what to watch for in myself after I have the next baby and others close to me know what to watch for in me. I no longer see it as a mark of shame but as a badge of courage that I made it. I survived. Last year, I literally wasn't sure I would.

I'm me!

3 months of medication for my thyroid has done what the Celexa and Lexapro and Ativan never could quite do... I feel like myself again! I think it's a misnomer to say that I feel like my old self again, I will never feel like my old self again because I will never BE my old self again. I've had a daughter, adjusted to motherhood, struggled with PPD and suicidal ideations and all the feelings of guilt and inadequacy that come with PPD, and some much more. I'd like to think that I am a stronger woman and to some degree, wiser and more mature although I don't know how far that goes. :P However, I am happy with who I am and where I am and I feel like a PERSON again. I feel like I've stepped out of a land of shadows into the daylight.

I've come off of the antidepressants totally, the last time Celexa touched my lips was March 30 and I haven't had Ativan since December. I'm doing great, I haven't had any relapses into wanting to hurt or kill myself or anyone else, I haven't been sick or anything, I've barely even had any issues with RLS. I'm so incredibly happy to finally be off the meds. It was with the blessing of my psychologist and the GP I saw at the Family Medicine Clinic. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. All the glory for this belongs to God. As incredibly off as my thyroid was (the numbers were HIDEOUS), there's no way that I *should* have gotten to Within Normal Limits in 3 months and on only the second dose they put me on (started on .25 and am now holding steady at .50) but I am not only okay on my thyroid, I'm off the antidepressants faster and easier than I *should* have been.

Part 1 of an incomplete story

I want to share my story about PostPartum Depression in hopes that it will help someone else out there.

I suffer from Post-Partum Depression. I thought at first that the Baby Blues were just passing. It seemed to get a little better but things never completely went back to normal. Then things started to get worse again. I was having trouble sleeping, I was always down, I was irritable, I had no interest in doing anything, and I slowly began to feel more and more trapped. I had nightmares. I was always sluggish and exhausted but I could never sleep at night. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I felt like I would never know what it was like to feel like myself again. I had no interest in sex, my appetite diminished and I hated having to make myself eat for the sake of my milk supply.I felt like I was a horrible mom and wife and I started to feel like I was worthless. At my 6-week post-partum checkup, the care provider I saw didn't ask me anything about how I was feeling. She didn't even look at the questionnaire I filled out, and if she had they probably would have put me on medication then and there. I forgot to ask if what I was feeling was normal.

Finally, I started feeling like I wanted to hurt myself, and I was afraid I was going to hurt my baby. One night it got really bad and I was actually thinking about throwing myself down the stairs or OD'ing on whatever I could find in the house. Several people on an internet forum called MSOS had been telling me that they thought it sounded like I had symptoms of PPD and that I should talk to a doctor but I didn't. I felt like it would be an admission of being a bad mother and I was worried that they would take away my baby or take away my husband's security clearance or cause other problems. The night that it got so bad I posted something under DearSOS (it didn't get approved due to them not approving suicidal messages but Brandi pm'd me to make sure i was okay and I really appreciate it). I finally decided to call the Chaplain. He told me I should probably go to the ER to talk to someone and that if I wanted, he would meet me there so I didn't have to go alone. I did.

I ended up being admitted to the hospital for a little over a week. I was put on medication and went to therapy sessions there at the hospital. Within a few days of starting medication, i started to feel better and my mom and my husband started being able to notice a difference in my voice even just talking to me on the phone. The staff at the hospital reassured me and helped me realize that I was not crazy and that what I was experiencing was normal. I felt so guilty over voluntarily leaving my husband and baby and I thought I was the worst wife and mother ever but they helped me realize I was not, that it made me a good wife and mother and that I was doing what I was to help my baby. Once I started on medication, I had to stop breastfeeding Elizabeth. I also felt guilty about that but I finally realized that it was far better for her and for me and my family that I received the help I needed than to not get what I needed just for the sake of giving her breastmilk.

After I was released, I felt better than I had in a really long time. I finally realized that what I was experiencing was due to a hormonal imbalance in my body and it WASN'T my fault and that I didn't have any reason to feel guilty. I ended up back at the hospital a moth later for suicidal tendencies again, they had to adjust my medication and then I was good to go again.

Since then, things have been far from perfect. I'm still on Ambien to help me sleep, Ativan as needed for anxiety, and they changed me to Celexa for the antidepressant (I was on Lexapro but it's a non-formulary for TriCare). 4 months later I still have yet to see a psychiatrist outside of the hospital I was admitted to, due to the doctor's office yanking me around with scheduling, and other psychiatrist's offices in the area being pretty horrid or booked full or whatever... but things are better. I have interest in activities again, I enjoy getting out of the house and I enjoy (for the most part) taking care of my baby. I'm not perfect and I still have my problems and I've had some downswings lately that make me think my medication may need to be adjusted again, but overall I feel a lot better.

Recently, I found out that I have hypothyroidism. Apparently this can often be brought on after pregnancy as a result of the strain that pregnancy can put on your body. I have been started on a medication called Synthroid that should help regulate my Thyroid. When the nurse called to tell me the news I was so excited that I almost cried. The reason? Hypothyroidism can cause things like PPD (among other symptoms). By getting my thyroid under control, it should make my PPD clear up. To me, it's the light at the end of what has been a very long, very dark tunnel. I feel hopeful about this for the first time in a while. However, to get the answers about my thyroid, I had to keep pushing and advocating for myself. You are always your best advocate.

I tell you my story in hopes that someone out there will benefit from it in some way. If you have a baby and don't feel right, TELL SOMEONE. If you feel like hurting yourself or someone else, get help. Go to the ER if you have to. It's a really hard decision to make and embarrassing at first, but it's the best thing to do. PPD can be treated and you can get help and doing so does not make you a bad person. Suffering from PPD does not make you a bad person or crazy. It is treatable and eventually you should be able to stop taking medication. You can have a normal life again, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can get help. If you know someone who has PPD, let them know you support them. If you know someone who seems to be having problems and you think they need help, talk to them. Sometimes, encouraging them to talk to someone, offering to go to the doctor with them, offering to do whatever you can to help them with babysitting or whatever, can be the encouragement they need to seek the help they need. If they need facts, help them do the research. Above all, support them. Let them know you love them and are there for them no matter what. That is what my family and friends have done for me and it has been one of the most helpful things through this whole experience.

With this blog, I hope to raise more awareness for Post Partum Depression and the women and families who live with this diagnosis. Stay tuned, and if you have any contributions, send them in to me. I'm always interested in hearing others stories. I'm also interested in hearing ideas on how to get involved with raising public awareness about the truth of PPD.