There's such a thing as being overvigilant

Sometimes recently I question whether or not I might be struggling with PPD again or with Postpartum OCD. I look at the fact that I'm irritable sometimes, having trouble sleeping at night, get aggravated and frustrated, and ask myself "Could these be warning signs?". The other day at the mall I started to have a meltdown, like actually had tears coming out y eyes (just leaking a little, I pressed it back in) and started to think (Do I need to go to the ER?". I tell myself that yes it's all stuff that could be warning signs of a deeper problem, but that it could also be perfectly normal reactions to stress (of which I certainly have an abundance right now) and the fact that due to several outside factors, my sleep schedule is ALL out of whack. Then I start to question whether I might just be in denial and finding ways to rationalize that no, I couldn't possibly have PPD. It's a vicious cycle of never-ending questions that go in a big circle ad nauseum.

The thing I keep coming back to is that I don't have thoughts of harming myself or others, and the fact that I'm aware of the potential and keeping an eye on myself is a good sign, that at least I'm aware of what's going on. I have to talk to a therapist anyways since I've been on Zoloft as a prophylactic measure, so of course I'll discuss all of this with them and request that they recheck my thyroid levels, but it made me think of something.

I think that for those of us who have dealt with PPD, one of the big problems in subsequent pregnancies and postpartum periods can be a sort of hyper vigilance, being TOO aware and almost jumping at shadows. Yes, it's good to be aware of how you're feeling, but I have to keep reminding myself of what Jan, my midwife, told me at my 6 week postpartum checkup. She said, to paraphrase because I can't remember exactly how she worded it, "You have to bless and release the past and live in the future, moving forwards instead of staying in the past". I have to remember that if I concentrate all my time and energy, or even a significant portion, on whether every tiny little thing could be a symptom of PPD, I'm liable to talk myself into it. Life will be so much more enjoyable if I can remember to focus on the here and now and the future instead of what happened 2 years ago.

The moral of the story, I guess, is to reind myself and anyone reading this, to be aware but not so aware you forget to live.

PostPartum OCD

I recently read about a condition I had never heard of before called Post-Partum Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

"Postpartum Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is the most misunderstood and misdiagnosed of the perinatal disorders. It is estimated that as many as 3-5% of new mothers will experience these symptoms. Symptoms of perinatal OCD can include:

• Obsessions, also called intrusive thoughts, which are persistent, repetitive thoughts or mental images related to the baby. These thoughts are very upsetting and not something the woman has ever experienced before.

• Compulsions, where the mom may do certain things over and over again to reduce her fears and obsessions. This may include things like needing to clean constantly, check things many times, count or reorder things.

• A sense of horror about the obsessions

• Fear of being left alone with the infant

• Hypervigilance in protecting the infant  

Moms with postpartum OCD know that their thoughts are bizarre and are very unlikely to ever act on them.
Risk factors for postpartum OCD include a personal or family history of anxiety or OCD.
Postpartum OCD is temporary and treatable with professional help. If you feel you may be suffering from one of this illness, know that it is not your fault and you are not to blame. You can use our resource page to reach out now. We understand what you are going through and will connect you to people who understand and can help. http://www.postpartum.net/Get-the-Facts/Postpartum-OCD.aspx"

From http://ppdcenter.com/What_Is_PPD_.html:

"Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
The PPD symptoms may also be mixed with anxiety symptoms that take on an obsessive (thoughts) and/or compulsive (behaviors) feature OR these may be experienced without depressive symptoms.
According to Postpartum Support International, "This disorder is one of the most under-recognized and under-treated types of perinatal mood disorders. It occurs in approximately 3 to 5 % of new mothers, yet it can be most alarming for a new mother. The symptoms include intrusive and persistent thoughts or mental images and a sense of horror about the thoughts/images. The thoughts are typically accompanied by behaviors to reduce the overwhelming anxiety that accompanies the thoughts."
These compulsive, ritualistic behaviors often include checking baby frequently, obsessively searching for information on the internet/books, etc. For example, a mother may have an irrational fear that she is going to drop the baby down the stairs. Consequently, she may avoid using the stairs or even going near a staircase. These mothers are NOT in danger of harming their infants and are disturbed by these troubling thoughts."
Again, if you or a loved one are experiencing the afore-mentioned symptoms, call your physician because help is easily available. "

The bolded is actually one of the biggest things I worried about when I was experiencing PPD before I got treatment. I wish that this was something that was more widely known about. Do your part to help spread the word and educate people about the various PostPartum disorders and to combat the stigmas that so often come along with them.