Changes ahead!

I'm almost 3 months post-partum and no signs of a need for hospitalization. Things have been going well. It's been kind of crazy. 2 weeks after I gave birth, Eric went on a 3 1/2 week TDY to Ft. Hood, leaving me home alone with the daunting task of a newborn and a 2 year old. But, we survived, sanity intact.

Now, we're getting ready to move to a different state. We found out a couple of weeks ago that he is going to a new duty station and his report date is August 1. It's been the cause of a lot of stress for me, especially when you tack on that it's my first PCS (Permanent Change of Station), the fact that Prissy Britches started teething at all of 2 months old, Her Majesty is in the Terrible Two's, and I spent this past weekend back and forth between the ER and home thanks to an infected salivary gland, TMJ, and swollen lymph nodes. And when I was home, I was doped up on pain meds and unable to eat much besides soup, jello, and pudding. Now we find out that he won't get his actual orders until 2 weeks before we need to leave to drive out there. Great! We can't arrange for the movers to come pack us up and get our things until he has orders.

Like I said, it's a lot of stress but I keep reminding myself to try to take things in stride and to breathe and remember that families do this all the time and that we'll make it. I try to remember to use the stress relief techniques they taught me after I had Elizabeth. One of the biggest things that I think has helped me avoid PPD this time around has been the use of those techniques. Stopping to take some deep breaths when I feel overwelmed. Examining a situation to sort out the reality from my perceptions. And most of all, making sure I get a little bit of time out of the house by myself each week. Not isolating myself has been a big help.

I'm not out of the "Danger Zone" yet, but I'm moving towards it and I am confident that I will get through this in one piece.

A flashback

I had a little bit of a flashback today to how I used to feel before the depression was diagnosed and gotten under control. Elizabeth got away from me upstairs and made it to the staircase before I did. Yes, indeed, she took a nice long tumble down 16 stairs. Fortunately, she rolled instead of going head over heels. I immediately took her to the ER to get checked out and they said that she looks okay and there doesn't appear to be any damage other than scrapes and bruises. We just have to keep an eye on her tonight to make sure nothing bad develops.

I felt SO guilty. I know deep down inside that it's an accident but still. This little voice inside me goes "Your her mother. You're supposed to protect her and take care of her. You failed.". The guilt has been awful and I feel like the worst mother ever. I keep flashing back to her tumble and hearing and seeing the thuds and cries and then her screams at the bottom of the stairs. The longest and thus far, most horrifying few seconds of my life. It felt like it was forever.

It reminds me of how I felt when I went to the ER with PPD. The difference is, this time I can cope better. This time I can tell myself "It's not your fault" and sort of kind of believe it. I still don't feel any better about what happened but at least I can COPE. When I start to get the panic attacks, instead of having to take an Ativan, I can stop and insert reality and breathe slowly for a few minutes. When I think "She could have been killed or badly injured!" I remind myself that she wasn't really injured at all and that this is one of those things that happens with kids. The fact that I can even stop and think it through, much less calm myself down without medication, is a HUGE deal and I consider it a big milestone.