World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Some people say that suicide is a cowardly and selfish act. For some, that may be so. But I don't think it's that black and white. I don't think there's anything about suicide or mental/emotional health that is black and white other than that there is nothing black and white about it. And unless you've been there, been on the brink, you can't really understand, not 100%. Heck, even if you have been there, struggling with the decision of whether or not life is worth living, with whether or not to take your own life, you don't always understand. I don't. And that's okay. Contrary to what society seems to believe about everything, it's okay to not understand and to admit that you don't understand.

I don't really have any deeply profound thoughts or anything, but I want to take this day to remember all those who have committed suicide, pray for their loved ones, hope that the ones who are contemplating suicide reach out for help and find a reason to go on living, and honor those who have gone on living even when they didn't want to. If you are one of those people who has chosen to go on with life, the world is a better place with you in it. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for wrestling with your own feelings. There is NOTHING wrong with struggling with your emotions, with feeling overwhelmed. Heck, even if you attempted suicide, don't let anyone judge you. If you know someone who has attempted or committed suicide, don't judge. Judgement is for God and God alone. And if you don't believe in God, it is still not your place to judge the emotions, feelings, and choices of another.

To all those who feel alone, you are not. To any who feel hopeless, there is always hope.

A flashback

I had a little bit of a flashback today to how I used to feel before the depression was diagnosed and gotten under control. Elizabeth got away from me upstairs and made it to the staircase before I did. Yes, indeed, she took a nice long tumble down 16 stairs. Fortunately, she rolled instead of going head over heels. I immediately took her to the ER to get checked out and they said that she looks okay and there doesn't appear to be any damage other than scrapes and bruises. We just have to keep an eye on her tonight to make sure nothing bad develops.

I felt SO guilty. I know deep down inside that it's an accident but still. This little voice inside me goes "Your her mother. You're supposed to protect her and take care of her. You failed.". The guilt has been awful and I feel like the worst mother ever. I keep flashing back to her tumble and hearing and seeing the thuds and cries and then her screams at the bottom of the stairs. The longest and thus far, most horrifying few seconds of my life. It felt like it was forever.

It reminds me of how I felt when I went to the ER with PPD. The difference is, this time I can cope better. This time I can tell myself "It's not your fault" and sort of kind of believe it. I still don't feel any better about what happened but at least I can COPE. When I start to get the panic attacks, instead of having to take an Ativan, I can stop and insert reality and breathe slowly for a few minutes. When I think "She could have been killed or badly injured!" I remind myself that she wasn't really injured at all and that this is one of those things that happens with kids. The fact that I can even stop and think it through, much less calm myself down without medication, is a HUGE deal and I consider it a big milestone.