"Too smart" for medication?

Have you ever read or heard something and gone "(S)he said WHAT?"? I have. Sometimes I end up laughing at the statement that caused me to have that reaction, sometimes it makes me sad, and sometimes it makes me angry. Whichever the case may be, I usually have something like this look on my face (that's my youngest baby, by the way, isn't he absolutely freaking adorableness incarnate? He melts me).

On today's installment of the "This so-called disease" series, let's talk about one of those moments that was captured in print. Prepare yourself, it's a doozy.

"You are too young, too smart not to reply on this type of medication".

I'm pretty sure they meant to say "You are too young, too smart, to rely on this type of medication", and I'm going to respond as if that's what they said.

If I'm being totally honest, I have to admit that it's really really REALLY hard for me not to stoop to insulting this person for the fact that they totally flubbed their comments. Why is it hard not to go to that level?

Because this comment flat out hurts. It HURTS. A lot. It hurts me personally. Why? On earth does it hurt me personally? It wasn't directed at me, the commenter was addressing the person who posted the status. It's not like the commenter called me stupid or anything so why get riled up about it? Why take it personally?

Because they DID call me stupid. They did insult me personally. Not only did they insult me, they insulted every other person who has chosen to take antidepressants. It sucks, it hurts, and it makes me angry.

Whether they realize it or not, what this statement says is that people who choose to take antidepressants are not smart. It says that it's a stupid choice. It says that taking " this type of medication" is not a wise decision.

Why is it stupid? Why is it smarter to not take medication? For some people, prayer isn't enough, yoga doesn't do the trick, diet change doesn't change the state of their/our mental and emotional health, and changing how they/we think doesn't change the fact that they/we have Postpartum Depression, Postpartum OCD, etc. Those things work for some people and that's fantastic, it really is. I am truly and genuinely happy for those who can navigate the treacherous waters of PPMD without medication as their compass. Therapies that don't involve medication are perfectly legitimate and work very well for some people. That doesn't mean that those of us who need to take medication are choosing a treatment plan that is any less valid.

After my first kiddo was born, I went several months without medication. I spent that time praying that I would feel better and that God would "fix whatever is wrong with me". I tried to just make up my mind to be happy. I struggled. I fought. I tried to make it without medication, without talking to doctors, without saying "I need help". I tried to do it the "smart" way. You know what that got me? A trip to the ER followed by two separate inpatient stays at a psychiatric hospital because I let it go so long that I became a danger to myself and wound up at the top of the stiars thinking about throwing myself down them and then went and pondered over-dosing on pain medication.


Is it smart to suffer just so you can say you're not taking medication? Is it smart to risk ending up dead by your own hand in the name of no taking antidepressants? Does it somehow make you a better person to choose to go the drug-free route when you NEED medication, all so you can say you're making the "smart" choice? Does it make you a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, whatever, to suffer in the name of refusing medication because it's stupid?

NO.

Let me say that again, in case there's any doubt. NO. A thousand times NO. Not just NO, but a big, gigantic, humongous HELL NO. And yes, that is me shouting over the internet.

If you can treat and manage your depression without the use of medication, awesome. I've had friends who were able to go that route, and did very well with it. But for me, that didn't help. It didn't make me a better anything (other than better at sitting in a rocking chair like a zombie, better at snapping at my husband, better at avoiding the stairs thanks to intrusive thoughts, better at coming up with excuses to stay home, etc., and none of those are things I would really consider "betters" to brag about). It only made me more miserable for longer.

Whatever route you take in treating your illness, don't feel like it's stupid. If it works for you, if it helps you, that's what matters. You have to do what is best for you, your baby, your family. Don't believe this kind of crap. Don't let yourself feel inferior for choosing medication, or for choosing a non-medication route. What is important is that you're taking care of yourself. As long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else in the process, don't worry about the "how" as much as focusing on the "what" of getting better.

I'm not stupid. You're not stupid. We rock. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. <3 p="p">

I would not take any of these drugs

Welcome to the second post in my series This So-Called Disease. In the first installment, I talked about the person who left this comment on someone else's status about Zoloft vs. Celexa.

In that first post in the series, I touched on how the use of the phrase "this so-called disease" and others like it trivialize and make light of mental health in general and Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders specifically. I'm still seething about that...

In this post, I'm going to examine the first sentence of this comment and try to express how it makes me feel as a survivor of Postpartum Depression, Postpartum OCD, and Postpartum Anxiety.

"Pardon me, but I would not take any of these drugs."

When I think of how I would respond to someone saying that, I'm torn between "That's nice. Good thing I'm not you" and something slightly less snarky. In my experience, people who say things like this usually respond to a smartaleck response with something along the lines of getting offended and huffing about "Well I'm only trying to help" or "You don't have to be so rude". Alright. First off, it's rude of YOU to come in here and tell me "I wouldn't take that" and act like you know every facet of my situation and medical history, and the factors my doctor and I are looking at. And that's without even starting to look at how incredibly rude it is to make light of someone's illness and basically blow them off. So don't go firing the first shot and then be upset when the person you've just gone after on a very sensitive topic shoots back.

If I were a better person, my first instinct would probably be to respond with something more along the lines of "Thank you for your input but my doctor and I have decided that this is the best course of action for me. Here are some facts and statistics about Postpartum Depression and mental health. Let me educate you.". But by golly, it gets so frustrating to constantly and continuously hear people who have never been in your shoes tell you that they know better than you what you're going through and how you should handle it.

When someone tells you something like "Pardon me, but I would not take any of these drugs", it's very easy to feel like you're being told that you're making the wrong decision and doing the wrong thing. Considering that when I was fighting this nasty battle, one of the worst parts was my brain telling me that I was doing everything wrong and I was a colossal screw-up, I sure as heck didn't need other people (who didn't really know what they were talking about) telling me what I was doing wrong or what I should do better/differently. I was already beating myself to a pulp,; I didn't need any outside help taking a hammer to me or even handing the hammer to me.

On top of that, you're not me. If you've never been in my shoes, you can't know what you would or wouldn't do if you were me. You can THINK you know, but you don't. Not really. Until you're inside my head and my heart, feeling what I feel, thinking my thoughts, seeing things the way I do through my lens of PPMD (and everyone's lens is a little different, no two people have the exact same filter), you don't know, so stop trying to tell me what YOU would do and try supporting me,

If you really feel that your concerns about whatever treatment I'm considering are that big that you really have to say something, do some research first and then come to me privately and say "Hey, so I have some concerns. Here's what they are, here's why I feel this way, and here's what I found when I looked into it. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just want what's best for you and I want you to know that no matter what, I love and support you and I'm always here for you.". Do you see the difference?

It's been my experience that people don't usually like to be told that they're wrong, even about small things. When it comes to something as important and sensitive as how they're considering or choosing to treat an illness, it's even more so.

I don't know many people who go into decisions about things like mental health treatment and antidepressants lightly. I know the person this comment was directed towards certainly isn't. I definitely didn't; not when I was hospitalized the first time, not when I decided to take Zoloft starting at 38 weeks when I was pregnant the second time, and not when I decided to start Zoloft at 35 weeks this last time instead of waiting until 38 weeks. None of these decisions were made lightly. They were all made with a great deal of research and talking to my husband, my medical professionals, and friends who had dealt with similar situations. In my opinion, it is the height of arrogance to set yourself up as an authority on the decisions a person is making about this type of thing when you are anything but, and to tell them loftily "Well that's not what I would do". Not only do you set yourself up to potentially lose a friend and make yourself look like a complete jackass in the process, you can potentially do a lot of damage to the person you're giving this "advice" to.

You wouldn't take these drugs? That's nice. You're not me. You don't know what I'm dealing with. And you're not my doctor. So until you can be supportive instead of being a jerk, just take this particular piece of advice and shove it. I won't tell you exactly where to shove it, I'm sure you can figure that out for yourself.

Happy 100th Blog Post and Happy Strong Start Day 2012

Today I have hit a milestone in my blogging. This is the 100th post that I've published to Through The Tunnel. My first post was on December 14, 2009. I had recently found out that my pregnancy with Elizabeth had caused me to develop hypothyroidism. Depression can be a symptom of hypothyroidism and the doctor and I were confident that 

if we could get my thyroid levels back within normal limits the PPD would clear up.

Knowing that there was a medical reason for the PPD was freeing for me; it was a huge relief to know that there was something we could do to actually fix the problem. I literally cried tears of joy when the nurse called and told me that my lab results showed my TSH and T-4 levels as being so far outside the range of Normal Limits that my thyroid had practically stopped working at all. 

I started taking Synthroid and sure enough, within just a few weeks there was a noticeable difference. 3 months of thyroid medication did what 6 months of antidepressants, antianxiety medication, and sleep aids had not and I was able to come off of all my medication except, of course, the Synthroid. I can't express how much relief I felt at hearing the doctor say that I was "considered successfully treated". 

When I received that diagnosis of PostPartum Depression and was hospitalized, the shame and guilt that I felt were overwhelming. I was sure that I would never be able to tell anyone my terrible secret. I limited the people who knew to only those who HAD to know. I asked my parents not to tell anyone else in the family. My husband, being in the military, had to tell his Chain of Command, there was no way around that, but I asked that the information be limited to only those who absolutely HAD to know. I was terrified that people would find out and look at me differently, that they would be horrified and think the same thing I did, that I was a terrible wife and mother, that I was a failure. I was sure that nobody I knew had ever gone through anything like this and there was nobody else who would understand.

I know differently now. I know that none of what happened was my fault and that there was nothing to be ashamed of, that it didn't make me a failure. I know that there are other people who have been through the same thing. Some of those are people I know in person. Some of them are people I know solely from online interactions but I love and respect them just as much as anyone I've ever met in real life.

One of those people is Katherine Stone. Katherine is an absolutely wonderful person, and one of the strongest people I know. From her website,

Katherine Stone (@postpartumprog) is the founder and editor of Postpartum Progress, the leading blog on postpartum depression, and a parenting columnist for Disney’s Babble.com.  She’s also the founder of Postpartum Progress Inc., a national nonprofit focused on vastly improving support for women with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.

Katherine and PostPartum Progress were my inspiration for starting my own blog about my journey. PostPartum Progress was a wonderful resource for me when I was in the midst of my PPD and has continued to be a wealth of information; I frequently link the blog posts on my Facebook and Twitter because they are so well written and have such an important message. PostPartum Progress is where I found the link to My PostPartum Voice, which led me to the Twitter community #PPDChat and a whole world of support that I never dreamed existed.

The work that PostPartum Progress does is beyond calculable value. In a post titled How Many Women Get PostPartum Depression? The Statistics on PPD, Katherine estimates that each year in the United States of America alone, the number of women who suffer PostPartum Depression is approximately 950,000 women with approximately 1.3 million women suffering from postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, expanding from PPD to include those such as PostPartum OCD and PostPartum Psychosis. That's more women than are diagnosed annually with Breast Cancer (the National Cancer Institute puts that number at approximately 230,000 women). October is well known for being Breast Cancer Awareness month with chain stores selling pink merchandise to benefit breast cancer research and awareness, teams like the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders doing special routines with special costumes for BCA, celebrities doing major breast cancer awareness campaigns, and so much more. Breast Cancer Awareness is well and good but where are the major awareness, education, and outreach campaigns for PPMD?

The shame and guilt that I felt, that so many other women feel every day, is largely due to the lack of public awareness and education, to the stigma, misconceptions, misunderstandings, and myths that are so prevalent in our society. PostPartum Progress is working actively to combat that and change the tide, to make people aware of the realities of PPMD and to let women like me know that we're not alone. When you feel like you're floating alone at sea, struggling to keep your head above water, that realization is like a life preserver being thrown to you by the Coast Guard to keep you afloat until the rescue swimmers can get you to safety.

PostPartum Progress can't do it alone though. Last year, Katherine came up with the idea to do Strong Start Day. The idea behind Strong Start Day is that since October 5 is the day of the year that, statistically, the most babies are born, it makes sense to have that  be a day to focus fundraising efforts towards raising money to help PostPartum Progress expand their capabilities and improve their resources so that they can help give more new moms and babies a strong start.

PostPartum Progress helps and supports so many women and families. It seems appropriate to me to dedicate my 100th blog post to supporting someone who has supported me and supports so many other women who are in similar situations or worse. I'm asking that my friends, family, and anyone else who's reading consider supporting PostPartum Progress. As stated in her post about Strong Start Day 2012, 

My goal for Strong Start Day 2012 is to raise enough money to allow Postpartum Progress Inc. to translate what we have done online into offline materials. I am asked all the time by nurses, doulas, physicians’ offices and if they can use the words we have created here to help mothers understand what they’re going through and that they can get better. They want our words because they believe we reach moms in a safe and accessible way. They want and need materials from us, materials that I have yet been able to give them because I haven’t had the funding to create them. Not every new mom is online. Plenty don’t have Twitter accounts. They aren’t on Pinterest. We need more ways to reach moms who need help.

This Friday, October 5th, is the 2nd annual Strong Start Day for Postpartum Progress. We only ask for your help one day a year because we don’t believe in bombarding our friends with continual requests for donations. I know I get zillions of them — in my inbox, my mailbox. We want this one day — October 5th, the day each year on which more babies are born than any other — to be the one day you are reminded to give whatever support you can to Postpartum Progress, and to encourage everyone who loves you and who believes moms should know more about postpartum depression to support us too. I hope you’ll join us.

If you'd like to donate to PostPartum Progress, you can follow the link or click the red button below. I hope you'll consider joining me in donating to this cause that has meant so much to me and to so many other women. Regardless of whether you can donate monetarily, please spread the word in some way, whether it's sharing the link to this blog post or sharing Katherine's links.

Over the last 3 years and 100 blog posts, so much has changed for me. New babies, a cross-country move, and so much more. What hasn't changed is that many many many other women are suffering, some in silence, from PPMD, and that PostPartum Progress is there to provide support, education, and a variety of resources. What does need to change is the lack of awareness in today's society. Today, we have the chance to help power that change. Will you join me in supporting Katherine and PostPartum Progress?

P.S.
As another show of support, if you're reading this, will you leave a comment below encouraging Katherine in her efforts to advocate for Warrior Moms everywhere?

Jellyfish can swim

Yesterday was my 41 week checkup with my Obstetrician. Little Mister is being stubborn (he must get that from his daddy) and has decided to make us wait to be graced with his presence. We did a Non-Stress Test to make sure he's doing okay and an ultrasound to make sure he has enough amniotic fluid. He's doing fine for now but we went ahead and scheduled an induction for Monday in the event that he hasn't come by then.

Scheduling an induction brings back a lot of memories for me from when Elizabeth was born and the time that followed after. I hadn't wanted an induction but was pressured and mislead into thinking it was the only option after my 40 week checkup by an OB who was more interested in his own convenience than what was best for my baby and me. The entire experience was very traumatic and I believe that it was a contributing factor to my PostPartum Depression.

This time, things are different though. Last time I felt like I was just floating along in the current with no say over my care and no control over what happened to me and, thus, no control over the outcome and fallout. This time, I've educated myself. I know the facts about childbirth, induction, and interventions. Beyond that, I'm educated about PostPartum Depression. I know what can be contributing factors, I know the signs and symptoms, and I'm not afraid to get help.

We've recently gotten a family membership to the Monterey Aquarium and have been there several times with my mom since she's been here to visit waiting for the baby to be born. We usually spend a good chunk of time in the jellyfish exhibits, partly because the girls love to watch them and partly because I like to watch and read about them. I found it interesting to read that jellyfish don't just have to float along with the current, they can actually swim and control where they're going.

I feel like a jellyfish. Before, I was just floating along wherever the currents took me. Not this time. This time, I'm swimming. This time, I know that I have a say in what route is taken in my healthcare, in everything from childbirth to treatment for depression. I know that I don't have to be fragile and defenseless.

For all of us, it is our own choice on how we respond to the challenges life throws at us. It is our responsibility to educate ourselves and our loved ones so that when the current gets nasty and starts trying to take us somewhere we don't want to go, we can reach out for help and have someone to help us swim against the tides.

I know all too well that when you're in the middle of dealing with PPD, it can feel like you're totally helpless and weak. Those feelings are a normal part of it, but feelings don't have to be reality. We can fight against those feelings and help ourselves get help.

Breast is NOT always best

Note: I'd like to refer everyone to a post I wrote a couple of months ago about the fact that there ARE antidepressants you can take while breastfeeding.


In today’s society, there is a HUGE push towards promoting breastfeeding for babies. The phrase/idea that “Breast is always best” gets thrown around a lot. We say things like “Women who don’t breastfeed are selfish” or “If she cared about her baby, she would breastfeed” or “When I have a patient who chooses not to breastfeed, I walk out of the room muttering ‘Selfish bitch’ under my breath and I hope her uterus falls out”. And yes, I have heard/seen ALL of these things said, the latter was actually by a nurse/lactation educator who was “venting” on a Facebook group). All of these phrases are tossed about in the interests of promoting the health of the new mothers and babies, we are passionate about their health, but we don’t really think about the effect that our passion and our well-intentioned phrases/attitudes and militant campaigns can have on the health of those we say we care about. The saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” applies all too well.

Now, before I go any farther, let me say that I am a HUGE supporter of breastfeeding. I breastfed my first until she was three months old and only stopped because I had to go on antidepressants to treat my PostPartum Depression. I had every intention before that of nursing her as long as she wanted to. I breastfed my second until she weaned herself at 13 months old; that was through the first and most of the second trimester of my current (third) pregnancy. She weaned HERSELF. Now granted, I was just about ready to start weaning her because nursing a child with teeth who used my poor breast as her teething ring was decidedly uncomfortable (especially since they were more tender than normal thanks to pregnancy) and because nursing plus pregnancy was taking a toll on me. But, she ended up weaning herself without any action on my part and I don’t regret one second of letting her nurse for that long and/or through that much of my pregnancy. When I was planning on going back to work (before the Army moved us away from my job), I had planned on pumping. I nurse in public, with or without a cover (and yes, I am still discreet and modest if I am nursing without a cover; you’re probably going to see more boob/cleavange/skin in a Victoria’s Secret ad, at the pool or beach, or even just glancing at someone in anything other than a turtleneck than when I nurse). I don’t think women should feel like they have to go to the restaurant bathroom to breastfeed (how about you take your dinner in there to eat first before suggesting I make my baby eat in a public restroom). I fully believe that there are health benefits to both mother and baby that can only be obtained through nursing/pumping, and that those benefits still occur when nursing beyond the first year. I wish that more pediatricians would truly support mothers who breastfeed instead of being so quick to throw formula samples at them and tell them they need to supplement with formula (no, not all doctors do this, but I personally have known doctors who did, and women whose doctors did this, and it sabotaged their nursing efforts).

Now that we have established that I am very much pro-breastfeeding, let’s establish something else: breast is not always best.

Let that sink in for a second. Breast. Is. Not. Always. Best.

The goal of the “Breast is best” movement is supposed to be promoting the health and well-being of both mother and baby, but what too many breastfeeding advocates who espouse this mindset and embrace this saying fail to take into account is that the health and well-being of mom and babe includes more than just physical health, it also includes mental and emotional health, both of which can be influenced by the decisions a new mother makes (or feels pressured to make) regarding or revolving round breastfeeding.

“Breast is always best” can - and often does – cause a new mother to feel that if she feeds her baby formula instead of breast-milk, she is doing wrong by them. It can cause a huge amount of guilt and a great deal of pressure to continue breastfeeding her baby, no matter what. This can cause her to feel that she cannot (and/or should not) seek help for PPD. It can also cause a huge amount of unnecessary guilt if she does get treatment and has to stop nursing her baby. It did in me.

One of the reasons why I put off seeking help for my PPD more actively until the night it got to a crisis point was because I felt that if I got help, I would surely be put on medication that would mean I had to stop nursing, and I couldn’t do that because breast is best. Once I did get help, I ended up having to take Lexapro and, sure enough, I had to stop nursing my daughter because the medication was not something that was safe for her to get through my breast-milk. I can’t even describe how much guilt I felt over this. I already felt a lot of guilt and felt like a failure just over having PPD and being hospitalized in the first place. I felt that it made me less of a woman and that I was not the mother I should have been, that if I were a better woman and better mother I would have been able to “shake it off”. The additional guilt I felt over having to give my baby a food source that was “sub-par” and was clearly less than the best for her made it that much harder to deal with the emotional and mental turmoil I was already fighting.

What I have come to realize since then is that what is truly best for my baby is for me to be in good health and for me to take care of myself, and that most certainly includes doing what I need to do to take care of my mental health. If a new mom has PPD, it’s not in anyone’s best interests for her to ignore it and continue breastfeeding at the detriment of her mental health all in the name of “breast is best”. It can actually have long-term negative effects on her, her baby, and her whole family if she forces herself to continue breastfeeding at the expense of seeking treatment for a legitimate medical issue.

This does not just extend to women who are struggling with a PostPartum Mood Disorder. Some women, for whatever reasons of their own, don’t want to breastfeed or don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding. And you know what? That’s okay. As with everything else surrounding non-life threatening parenting decisions, as long as they are making a well-informed and educated decision, that’s perfectly acceptable. What is NOT acceptable is to try to bully, badger, and guilt them into breastfeeding anyways. Here’s the deal: if a woman breastfeeds despite a strong desire not to, it CAN cause trouble bonding and cause her to feel resentment towards her baby and herself. As with a mother who breastfeeds at the expense of seeking medical treatment for a PPMD, this can cause lasting negative effects for her, her baby, and her entire family.

I understand that those who push so hard for breastfeeding are for the most part (I won’t speak for everyone) just trying to make sure that new moms and their babies are taken care of and educated. I commend that, I really do. But we as a breastfeeding community have got to realize that our militant efforts are doing the exact opposite of what we are trying for, we are hurting fragile women and children. Being militant is getting us nowhere good, it is only giving us a reputation for being stubborn (in a bad way), obnoxious, and putting down those who choose/feel differently than we do. We talk long and loud about how judgmental people are of us when we choose to breastfeed in public, and then we turn around and do the same thing in judging women who choose not to breastfeed at all.

The choice of how to best care for and feed our babies belongs to each of us and it is a deeply personal decision. We need to respect that and respect that there are women who, for whatever reason of their own, are going to choose to give their babies formula. We need to realize how much unnecessary guilt we are piling on these women and STOP IT. The last thing a mother with PostPartum Depression needs on top of all the negative emotions and thoughts she’s having because of her PPD is to also feel guilty about switching her child to formula. It can do irreparable damage to her to feel this way. I don’t know any breastfeeding advocates who intentionally set out to make women like me feel bad but the sad truth is that it does.

So please, the next time you’re about to start off about how “Breast is always best” and “Women who don’t breastfeed are selfish”, don’t. If your goal is education, educate (gently). Talk about the studies and facts showing the health benefits to both a nursing mother and her baby, but leave the platitudes and catch-phrases where they belong: unspoken. And don’t just be careful with your words, make sure your demeanor and attitude are also non-judgmental.

Breast is not always best. What is always best is for a mother to feel empowered, able, and confident in making decisions that she feels will best take care of her, her baby, and her family. What is always best is for a baby to be fed, nurtured, loved, and cared for. And you know what? Sometimes, that’s going to mean choosing formula over breast-milk.

I don't know how to be just me

I am coming to the realization that I don't remember how to be just me. How to be pregnant? Definitely.How to be a mom? Check. Well, as much as anyone can know how to be a mom. I still don't think it's something you can master. Anyways, moving on. Out of the last 36 months, I've spent 18 months pregnant, almost 8 months nursing, 8 months fighting PPD without knowing the culprit was my thyroid, about 13 months on antidepressants, and the entirety of it I've been a wife, 2 of the years I've been a mom. I don't really remember how to be just me, how to be an individual outside of my role as wife/mom.

I think it's time to rediscover myself. Take up a hobby again (other than selling Scentsy, haha). Get back into scrapbooking, take a Yoga class, get into Nursing School, find a volunteer position to involve myself with. I know there have to be other moms who have struggled with losing sight of themselves as individuals, I want to hear from you. What do you do to keep that from happening?