I started on Zoloft a little earlier than I had planned.

The plan for me, with my history of PostPartum Depression, was to start taking Zoloft at 38 weeks like I did with Miriam. A couple of months ago at a checkup, I talked to the midwife about whether I should start it sooner because I was having some mood wonk. She said that as long as it was up and down mood stuff it sounded like normal reactions to stress/hormones/exhaustion/kid shenanigans etc. The agreed upon plan was that if, at any point, Eric and/or I noticed it was devolving into a down-down spiral, I felt like it was getting to be too much to handle, etc., to let them know and they'd start me then, she made a note in my file and talked to the OB about it so that even if I called between appointments they could go ahead and call in the RX then and there.


I'd started to wonder if I was going downhill. My emotions are out of control, I've started having abnormal anxiety, etc. Well, then the other night Eric told me he was seeing that I had in fact gone into a down-down-down and he thought I should talk to the doc about it. So, I did, at my OB appointment (which happened to be the next day). She sent in the RX then and there, talked to me about the medication itself and how long I should plan to be on it at a minimum, potential side effects of irritability for the baby in the first few days of life and how to cope, etc. I picked up the meds and started taking them last night. I just got my third trimester labs done (they check my Thyroid levels once a trimester) and that all came back WNL so it's not a thyroid thing at this point.


I've got so many conflicting emotions about this, and most of them I know are false thought patterns that I "know better" than to buy in to, like feeling guilty for not being able to handle everything without needing medication, or thinking "What is wrong with me?". And then part of me is going "You're so dumb, you blog about PPD and mental health, you're an advocate for women with PPD, why is it so hard for you to accept the things you believe and tell other women?". It's not really surprising though, partly because the stigma surrounding mental health and Antenatal Depression/PostPartum Depression and lack of understanding/education about them are still SO strong, and partly because in general I suck at taking my own advice.


It's scary.