11 June 2012

Ah, pregnancy, how I love you...

It's finally happened. I've hit the dreaded creature known as "The Third Trimester". In keeping with the tradition that his sisters set, my little alien parasite body-dwelling angel has decided that there's no need for me to be particularly comfortable during these last few month. After all, I'll love him when he's born so why not be sadistic and test the boundaries of his mother's unconditional and unending love? OH come on, it can't really be THAT bad can it? After all, you're PREGNANT. Pregnancy is supposed to be the time in which you glow, go about smiling beatifically while lovingly caressing your belly, daydream about the wonderful things you'll do with your soon-to-be newborn, and channel your inner Madonna.

Let me set the record straight. Some women love pregnancy and love being pregnant. I am absolutely and emphatically not one of those. I adore the end result (a baby) but the 10 months required to bake the bun... well, I would be more than happy to just skip straight to the end. When I glow, it's usually because I'm sweating buckets while my husband freezes because I have the thermostat turned down as low as it can go. If you see me caressing my belly, it's usually because I'm having what are by now uncomfortable Braxton-Hicks contractions, or trying to get Baby Boy to stop jamming his elbow/butt/head/spine/foot/whatever into the walls of my uterus so hard I fear a ruptured spleen. My daydreams involve pants that have buttons instead of elastic at the waistband, being able to shave my legs, and not having a belly so furry my husband rubs it and talks to it, pretending he thinks he's talking to one of the cats. Did I mention that my feet also now resemble a hobbit's? I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. I wake up for a variety of reason, ranging from having to pee every half hour (more often if the little darling decides to get the hiccups or practice tap dancing on my bladder) to leg cramps. He's sitting on my sciatic nerve which is decidedly uncomfortable. My hips, back, and pelvis all hurt. This was bad enough when it was my first but now that I'm in the middle of moving AND have two small children to chase around? Dear HEAVENS.

As though the physical discomforts weren't enough, though, there's the emotional roller coaster. And I'm not just talking about the typical "She's up, she's down, she's happy, she's sad, she adores her husband, she's ready to kill him". I'm talking about a different see-saw, one that I've been going up and down on since I first found out I was pregnant. Normally, by the time I hit this stage, I'd be going "I'm ready to be done, can we fast forward to getting the baby here please???". Not this time. This time, I can't make up my mind whether I want him here or am content to stay pregnant for another year or three.

I'm past my initial ambivalence. I'm excited for the baby, I love him, and I'm looking forwards to meeting him.We will be overjoyed when he gets here. I'm looking forwards to meeting him and finally having the answer to the burning question: "What color will his hair be?!?" (we have a redhead and a blonde, perhaps we'll get a brunette and have a matched set?). Considering all the odds he had to beat to even take up residence in my uterus, it's evident that he's meant to be, no if's and's or but's. Speaking of but's though, "But" I'm scared too. I'm terrified of the idea of having a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an infant. I worry about whether the PPD will come back again, considering how much of a roller coaster this has been. Some days I feel overwhelmed just with the two I have, I'm scared of feeling even more so with another unplanned one added to the mix. I've had a lot of stressful situations over the last year, and during the course of my pregnancy. I'm almost 2000 miles away from my family and close friends. My husband will be starting another (very intense) training course with the military not long after the baby is born. He'll probably be pretty occupied and we won't see him very much/ I worry about how I'll cope with that without adding more unneeeded and potentially badly distracting stress to what he'll have going on.

Motherhood is not always bliss. Pregnancy definitely isn't. I want to do right by my family, by my kids, and I know that I'll need to make sure to do right by myself too (for the sake of everyone's sanity) but I worry about whether I'll actually accomplish it. As I did last time, I worry about what will happen if I start falling back into the pit of PPD and don't recognize the signs. At least this time, I know I can make it through even if it does hit. I've been to hell and back before. I know it exists and that it sucks major league, but that it's only temporary. I have my blog to vent to (if I'm not scared to), I have my Twitter and Facebook support communities specifically geared towards PPD, I know about blogs and groups that focus specifically on helping women with PPD. I can at least take comfort in the knowledge now that if it happens again, I will be strong enough to get through whatever nightmares PPD decides to throw my way (although I'll be more than happy to NOT do any catching, I prefer dodging in this scenario).

Now if only I could get through a night without having to pee more than the proverbial race horse...


  1. The first time I was pregnant, I felt the 'wonder' of pregnancy every now and then, other times, I was just sick and tired. the second time, I was all: yeah, yeah, been there, done that. Let's skip the whole nine months please..and I felt sick.
    Third time, sick, depressed and fed up!
    For what it's worth...this is not forever..And being pregnant and having two kids is hard work! So you are already kinda taking care of three kids. You will be fine, will it be easy, no. But you will be able to do it. And as for ppd, don't worry in advance, if it happens again, this time you will know what to do. (Hugs)

  2. I am so with you Esther! I have just gotten to the stage of being emotionally attached to this baby- of this pregnancy feeling real to me, but I go back and forth between I'm sooooooo not ready for this and can we please skip to the part about being overjoyed the baby is here. Add on top of that the stress of not having a clue what our life will entail in a month, or how to plan for anything past that and I think the only thing keeping me somewhat stable is the pregnancy hormones- now there's a switch up for ya!