In the words of Gomer Pyle, "Surprise, surprise, surprise".

Today's blog is difficult for me to write for a variety of reasons but mostly, my fears of being on the receiving end of the very stigma I try to combat with my blog. If this particular post rambles or seems disjointed or confused, please understand that it's a reflection of my own inner turmoil. I must have started this post five different times and I always get stumped trying to express what I'm feeling and going through. So please, be patient with me.

After I had Miriam in April 2011, I went on birth control. We had a variety of reasons for needing (and wanting) to hold off on having another baby. We anticipated an Army-ordered move in the near future, we wanted to get a little more financially stable before having another one, we needed to make sure I wasn't dealing with any type of PPMD, we needed to make sure my thyroid stayed under control, and we wanted to give my body some time to recover. We wanted to have some time to just enjoy our two girls. The move we anticipated did indeed happen. We had very short notice that we were moving from Texas to California and the move itself was very stressful. We're actually still unpacking boxes due to the fact that we're working around having a ton of books and no bookshelves (the movers had to leave them in Texas because they weren't solid enough to transport).

Recently, I was able to wean off of the Zoloft I had started on at 38 weeks pregnant as a preventative measure. I started having more energy and generally feeling better (very good signs that it was definitely time to be off of the Zoloft). I decided to compete in the Mrs. California America pageant to raise awareness for PPMD, I started working on getting my GI Bill squared away so I could start school to get my BSN. We started making plans for things we wanted to do and trips we wanted to take as a family this coming year. I was doing really well at losing weight and getting back into shape.

On Sunday, January 8, 2011 I got the surprise of my life. I had been feeling a little nauseous, unusually exhausted and irritable, and just kind of generally under the weather. I was also late for my period by a few weeks. I had been excusing it on the basis of "Well, my periods have been goofy since Yumyum was born since I'm nursing her still" but the nausea was a symptom I only get when I've got the flu or am pregnant. I went with my Sister in law and her fiance to Target for some snacks for them for their drive back down the coast and decided to pick up a pack of pregnancy tests. I was so sure that it would be a negative test that I got a three-pack.

Lo and behold, before I was even off the toilet...

That's about as positive a home pregnancy test as you can get. I was in shock. I told my husband, he was in shock too. We told our family and got lots of congratulations. My sister-in-law was excited to finally be the first one to get the news that someone was pregnant.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. I'm pretty sure I'm "supposed to be" excited and happy. Right now, I'm still waiting for reality to sink in. It doesn't seem real yet. I keep asking myself "How the heck did I get pregnant on BC, while nursing, with irregular periods and infrequent/irregular ovulation? We don't even have sex that often thanks to the Zoloft suppressing my libido!!!". The conclusion we've both come to is that this baby is clearly meant to be and determined to join our family.

That still doesn't solve my problem of "How do I feel?". I have so many mixed emotions. Of course I'm happy and excited in a way, I believe with all my heart that life begins at conception and that all babies are a gift from God. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel disappointed, overwhelmed, frustrated, almost resentful. It's not so much that I'm disappointed that I'm having a baby as disappointed at the timing and the fact that my plans, these things I was so excited to do, that I was so sure were things God wanted me to do, are now coming to a screeching halt around me. Yes, it's probably just a temporary halt, a detour if you will, because it's all stuff I can do later on down the road, but still. I'm feeling overwhelmed because I haven't even weaned Yumyum off of nursing (and she REFUSES to take a bottle, even the Lactation Consultants couldn't think of anything to try that we hadn't already), I feel overwhelmed because I just got off the Zoloft and was feeling better and was looking forwards to time to just be ME, to be (at least somewhat) normal, and now I'm facing another pregnancy with the concerns and fears of "What if PPD strikes again?". We just started potty training Lizzie so I've got two in diapers with another on the way. I'm frustrated that I tried to do what we thought was the responsible thing and it didn't work and that I just got back into non-elastic waistbands and now it's back to maternity clothes.

It doesn't help that my hormones are nuts (this does explain my reactions to a lot of stuff recently though) and I'm sure I'm reacting a bit more strongly to things than normal. It also doesn't help that people seem to think their jokes about "Another one already?" and "What, haven't you heard of birth control?" are funny. No, it's not funny. I might laugh but it's mostly because I'm trying not to start a fight by saying something like "Birth control, what's that?" or "I dunno, have you ever heard of tact?". I mean, if you insist on "joking" about it (admittedly, it's hard to tell who's ACTUALLY joking), at least come up with something original.

It's hard for me to know how to feel. It's hard for me to even figure out *how* I feel (other than tired and moody). It's hard to talk about it because it feel like since I'm married, I'm supposed to be automatically thrilled. It's hard to talk about how I feel and don't feel because I worry that people are going to hit me with "Children are a gift from GOD, they're a blessing, you need to start being grateful.". Come to think of it, that's the same thing people told me when I was dealing with my PPD.

I guess that's the tie in, and it's why I decided to post this openly instead of anonymously at someone else's blog. No matter what the circumstances, nobody has the right to tell me or anyone else how to feel about any situation, and most especially a situation that has a huge impact on one's family. My emotions and feelings are my own and nobody has the right to tell me how I should be feeling or reacting to a situation. I'm pretty sure God is okay with me needing some time to work out my emotions and doesn't need someone else to try to speak on his behalf as to what my feelings and expressions of them should be.

So in closing, I guess it's time for a new adventure, a new branch of the path, another foray through another tunnel. I'd love to hear from anyone who's dealt with an unplanned pregnancy while married and how you dealt with it and the things and attitudes you experienced.