11 July 2011

What do I have to live for?

When I was hitting my lowest point in my struggle with PPD, the night I decided to go to the ER, I had suicidal ideations. Making the choice to reach out for help, to say "Hey, this is how I feel" was incredibly difficult. It's not an easy thing to admit that you struggle with something that is as stigmatized as PPD is and that you need help, that you really can't do it on your own.

What helped me make the choice to make that call? What was it, when I was standing at the top of the stairs looking down and thinking how easy it would be to jump forwards, that moved me to step back and go get the phone and call the Chaplain, to get the car keys and drive to the ER? 

It was the knowledge that my daughter needed her mommy, that I didn't want to hurt her in any way, that my husband loved me and would be so hurt and lonely without me, that did it. I don't even remember that going through my mind as a rational, logical thought process, I just remember that it was there in my thoughts, that I didn't want to end up another Andrea Yates. 

I did it for my daughter, and I would do it again for my daughters. I realize now, on the other side, that I have so much to live for. I have two beautiful, wonderful, healthy daughters. I have a husband who loves me, treats me better than a queen, and who would do anything for me. I have a home, pets I love, family and friends who would (and have) drop anything to help me. To anyone who's reading this who struggles with feeling like their life is worthless, like you don't matter and you and/or anyone else would be better off if you were dead, like you're alone, you're not alone, you are not worthless, you do matter, and someone out there cares. When you ask yourself "What do I have to live for?", stop and think, you might have more to live for than you first realize.

No comments:

Post a Comment