29 November 2010

Insert thought provoking title here...

Well, I'm 21 weeks pregnant and so far my Thyroid has been behaving. I go to my regular appointments at my OB/GYN practice, and I'm being seen by a perinatal specialist to monitor for problems that could be related to the Thyroid. I've noticed a big difference between this pregnancy and my last one, and I can't help but wonder how much of that is related to the fact that I'm on Synthroid and my Thyroid is thus being kept under control.

I posted this recently on my Facebook:

I was thinking tonight about my time in the hospital last year with PostPartum Depression. I remember all too well how lonely, how buried, how lost and utterly hopeless I felt, how dark everything seemed, how I felt like the world's worst wife/mom/person and the biggest failure at life in general. I remember one incident in particular. It was early on, before they started me on meds, while they were hoping "talk therapy" would help (it didn't, not by itself). Mom and Eruc came to visit at supper time and brought Elizabeth with them. I was looking forwards to seeing them and to trying to nurse Elizabeth. Well, she wouldn't nurse and then she got fussy and wouldn't calm down for me but would calm down for Mom. Looking back now, I suspect that she was picking up on my anxiety, but at the time I didn't see that, all I saw was that my baby liked my mom better than she liked me and that one simple thing I should be able to do I was failing at. I got pretty agitated at her crying and Mom ended up taking Elizabeth out and she and Eric traded off who had her and who was visiting me. I felt so incredibly guilty and angry and upset. After a few days of medication I started to feel better and could cope a little bit better and could cope with realizing when I couldn't cope and what my triggers were and then Elizabeth started responding better to me. Or maybe I was responding better to her, or maybe both.

I remember those dark times and I am so thankful to be out of them. Honestly, I worry a little bit about what happens if I end up wrestling with PPD again with Corn Puff. I really really don't want to go back to that place (PPD, there were far worse places than Laurel Ridge that I could have been). But, I comfort myself with the knowledge of several things...
1. We know now that hypothyroidism was the cause of the PPD. The thyroid is being monitored closely and keeping that under control should keep the PPD under control.
2. I am educated and know what to look for and know that asking for help early on is nothing to be ashamed of.
3. My family and friends will keep an eye on me, both IRL friends and online ones (because my posting on the internet most definitely reflected my spiral downwards last time), and won't let me let it get as bad as it did before. They already know what to watch for, and can expect to receive articles and links soon to lists of symptoms and related writings. They WILL be educated. LOL
4. If I do wrestle with it, whether I end up in the hospital or not, my family and friends will support and love me, and this I know from experience.
5. Most importantly, I know that God is with me and is watching over me and will take care of me. If He allows me to struggle with PPD again, it will be for a purpose, just as it was for a purpose before. And if He doesn't ask that of me, that too will be for a purpose. But whatever happens I stand firm in my faith and belief that He will be beside me through everything. I have a strong testimony of His care for me and that testimony can only grow stronger.

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