Unexpected emotions

Recently, I posted about my new journey to be a Gestational Surrogate. I will not be using TriCare; instead, I'll be using private insurance, which I applied for after I matched with my Intended Parents. Recently, I got an email from the insurance agent stating that my application had been passed on to the underwriters for further consideration and that they would be in touch with me. Today, I finally got a call from them and, just as I had suspected, they needed to ask me some more questions about my medical history.

I had expected that they would want to ask me about my thyroid and the PPD I had after Lizzie was born. What I didn't expect was to feel ashamed talking to them about the PPD. I pretty quickly realized that I was giving way more information than they needed and that I felt like I was some sort of freak of nature for what I went through.

It was a little upsetting to realize that I still harbor feelings of shame about my PPD. I talk about my experiences all the time. I'm very open about what I went through. I blog. I tweet. I talk about it on Facebook. I talk about it in person. I try to be an open book about my experiences, partly so that people know they have someone to talk to instead of feeling all alone like I did. A big part of it, though, is that I talk about it so others know that it isn't anything to be ashamed of. And yet, I still sometimes get knocked for a loop by that lingering monster of false guilt. Ugh.


P.S.
If you're interested in following my journey through surrogacy, head on over to The Womb Fairy, my new blog devoted to the path towards being a very personal and very extended babysitter.

These are sad days. Let's make them better.

This time of year is always a little sad for me because it marks the anniversaries of the deaths of several people I loved and miss dearly. Michael, a friend from the Honor Academy, died in a car wreck 8 years ago. Memmaw died of Alzheimer's 5 years ago. Pawpaw and Miss Vicki both died of cancer 3 years ago. I miss them and for Miss Vicki and Michael, and especially Michael, it's hard not to be sad that I feel like they died too young. They both still "should" have had so much life ahead of them, so many things left to do and so many peoples lives to touch.

Then I look at the news and what is making headlines. Headlines are about the 38 people killed in Afghanistan when a U.S. Chinook (a helicopter ) was shot down. 8 people (including the gunman) killed in a shooting spree in Ohio; one of the victims was an 11 year old child. Premature babies reported dead after the Syrian government cut power to a hospital where the babies were on incubators, all part of the unrest and turmoil in Syria. The conflict in Libya. The economic turmoil in America. Rioting in England (specifically in London). The children in Somalia. Human Trafficking. Killer storms. Unemployment. The news is downright depressing.

I look at the news, at the condition of the world, at the depths of depravity and hatred, and the horrible things that humanity does to each other in the name of religion, politics, and money, and I think that they are the lucky ones. I think that they are the ones who don't have to live with all of this, they are at peace. I firmly believe that each of them, despite their foibles and wrongdoings in life, are safe in the arms of God, and I wish I were there too. Not in a suicidal sense, but in a "I'm longing for home" sense.

With all that is going on in the world, is it any surprise that depression and other mental/emotional health problems are so rampant? I know that a lot of times it has to do with physical/chemical imbalances, but when you take that imbalance and then add in all this crap? It's a recipe for disaster. And yet, the public looks at those struggling with depression and hopelessness and says "They're weak. They're stupid. There's something wrong with them. That's something to be ashamed of." And we wonder why people don't want to speak up about their problems, why people put off getting help until it's too late.

If you're reading this, take a moment to think about what you can do to make the world a little brighter, to help bring hope to someone who sees all the darkness and despair and desperately needs to see some light. Take flowers to a nursing home. Smile at the single mom working full time to make ends meet while going to college to try to make a better life for her family. Take food to the homeless people under the bridge. Stop and ask someone how they're REALLY doing, and then actually listen. Make blankets for a NICU ward. Take your pet to the local Army hospital to visit wounded soldiers. Volunteer with CASA to be an advocate for a child caught in the foster system who doesn't have anyone else who's really on THEIR side. Become a volunteer with Red Cross on a Disaster Preparedness team. Donate blood. Volunteer at a pregnancy resource center. Get together a group of your friends and family to go to Palestine to work in a women's shelter. Go read stories at a children's hospital. Join the auxiliary at a hospital in your community. Join the Patriot Guard Riders. The possibilities are endless.

I started out talking about what a dark place the world has become and the hopelessness and despair plaguing so many people around us, but I want to end exhorting you to find ways to fight to make it a better place, to bring light into the night. We can bring hope to those around us and by doing so, make the world a better place.